Quotable - Part 10

"Do you want art house TIFF or Transformers?"
                                       

                                        J. Rayner, Sunday August 21st, 2011.
                                        Monumental life decisions made easy. 

Bite Me

I must be perfectly delicious.

What other explanation could there possibly be for the veritable feast I offer mosquitoes that they keep coming back for more? And more.  And more.

One night.  One ankle.  10 bites.  Endless scratching.  Blood.  Scabs. Scars.

Please, look away – it’s hideous - like I have an infectious disease contracted in the Congo.  That would be memoir worthy!  But scabs on account of rampant scratching to ease the killer itch of mosquito bites? Perfectly lame. 

These particular mosquitoes were obviously hungry, but I must admit they were also rather deliberate.  My latest bites are almost perfectly parallel to my somewhat cool but mostly grotesque broken ankle scar.  I can curse the little bastards all I want for these flippin’ bites, but I would be remiss if I didn’t also commend them for their appreciation of symmetry.  Well.  Done.

So when my latest scratch fest, which has also yielded another use for the stiletto heel, is over and I only have the scars to prove it (you can only see them if we re-create the scar scene from JAWS), I will fondly remember the evening that yielded these bites/scabs/scars and hope that the new hungry crew that comes around has been to the same bite pattern design school – I’m looking for something a little more whimsical next time, preferably on the left side.

Come on, Bite Me.

Quotable - Part 9

"Lesbians?"

           Self-Proclaimed Well Dressed Fella, Thursday August 19th, 2011. 
          
Because apparently that's the only viable reason for not being interested in said self-proclaimed well dressed fella.  Yes, of course, lesbians.   

Quiz Me

I’m a recovering quiz addict. Back in the day I would rock out that Cosmo Quiz like nobody’s business.  In subsequent months, adding up all my a’s, b’s and mostly c’s, I learned I was ‘the girl next door’, ‘not enough of a bad girl’ and ‘Charlotte’.  Obviously, these quizzes were rather derivative but I didn’t care – I circled and added and calculated my score and read my self-illuminating paragraph with anxious anticipation.  Wow.  What a loser. 

Anyway, I’ve seen the dim-witted light of these Cosmo Quizzes now (I mean, is a quiz the best place to learn you are a good kisser?!) and have moved on to meatier fare, like testing my 80s pop culture know-how in Entertainment Weekly.  Progress.

I’m thinking it’s now time to turn a new quiz leaf and actually do quizzes that test my intellect.  Or maybe even quizzes where I can win something.  How about that? How do we do that?

Well, look no further than the friendly folks at gpsmycity.com!  Win three city walk iPhone applications to cities of your choice, courtesy of http://www.gpsmycity.com/ . Correctly answer all ten questions about Toronto below and e-mail them to quiz@gpsmycity.com for your chance to win. It's that simple. Good luck!

Sounds way more productive than the requisite “are you a social butterfly or wallflower” one, right?

 Toronto Fun Facts Quiz:

1. Within a 160 km radius of Toronto lives _____ of Canada's population.

A. Half

B. One third

C. One quarter

2. On what building can one find a giant neon weather station?

A. Canada Life Building

B. National Trust Tower

C. First

Canadian Place

3. How many languages are estimated to be spoken throughout the city?

A. 50+

B. 100+

C. 200+

4. Which one of these movie stars was not born in the city of Toronto?

A. Christopher Plummer

B. Mia Kirshner

C. Jim Carrey

5. The CN Tower held its record of the world's tallest building for 34 years, until the Burj Khalifa and Canton Tower were built. It now remains the tallest free-standing structure in:

A. North America

B. the Americas

C. the Western Hemisphere

6. A serious ____ occurred in 1995. It was the worst day in Toronto history.

A. Subway crash

B. Fire

C. Storm

7. What do Bloor Street, Danforth Avenue and McCowan Road have in common?

A. They are all the same street

B. They run diagonal

C. They all run west-east

8. In 2006, City Hall told which group of people to leave and never come back?

A. Charlie's Angels

B. Guardian Angels

C. Black Angels

9. Which of these cities is not officially part of the Greater Toronto Area, but is still considered by some as "part of Toronto"?

A. Oakville

B. Hamilton

C. Pickering

10. Toronto has had many city-nicknames along the years. How was Toronto never called ?

A. Hogtown

B. the City that Sleeps

C. The Big Smoke

That was pretty easy, right?  Now e-mail your answers to quiz@gpsmycity.com and you could win some pretty cool iPhone apps.  (So cool, I can’t even get them …).

Just Trust And Jump

What are you afraid of?

Oh, me?  Lots of stuff.  Unknown stuff (technology), ridiculous stuff (being buried alive – like, when would this happen?), morbid stuff (literally), life issue stuff (I’m coming to think my overall disdain of tattoos is a sign of my fear of commitment), and real stuff (heights, eek.  Heights.  So. High.).

But see, being a ‘yes to everything’ and world class joiner type of person, sometimes you say yes to stupid things even though you know they’re going to scare the crap out of you and take you somewhere you don’t necessarily want to go. Why?  I don’t know.  Why not?  Why not go take a trapeze lesson when you’re afraid of heights and falling and dying?  I mean, really – why the hell not? 

So, last Friday, me on the trapeze.  Scary shit.  Anxiety.  Panic.  Fear. Hand Tremor Shakes.  Oh yeah, this was a terrific idea.  Can’t you just say no?!  Made worse (worse!) a long forgotten memory of almost failing Grade 7 gym because I didn’t want to do the  uneven bars.  I was petrified by this stupid apparatus. Completely self conscious of going on it while the whole class watched me break it and likely my leg.  I did not want to hang and swing and dismount.  What the hell?  Why must I do this?  Can’t I write a short story instead? No, said Mrs Murphy, I was simply going to fail if I didn’t do it.  Who the hell fails gym?  So, waiting of course until the last possible moment, I did it. Surprisingly, it didn’t break and neither did my leg.  I was red – cheek embarrassed and uncomfortable and so, so angry.  I hate that woman still.  And I blame her for my abject hatred of all (most) forms of physical activity. Who does that do a 13 year old?  I don’t need you to push me!  I have parents!

Obviously, Grade 7 gym did nothing for my self confidence but here we are now many years later and I’m staring at that trapeze.  Taking those harrowing memories, as well as the anxiety, panic, fear and somewhat lessened hand tremor shakes with me, I slowly – one rung at a time – climb up a most rickety 40 foot ladder. 40 foot ladder.  The look on my face whilst climbing said ladder was complete and utter terror.  Photos should be sold for horror movie posters.  Real.  Fear.  Up the ladder, one rung at a time, to the smallest little platform:  maybe 3 feet by 2?  I’m harnessed and someone’s on the platform holding onto this harness as I white knuckle hold onto the side pole for dear life.  My heart is beating so fast it would be impossible to actually count my heart rate.  I am sweating.  I’m told to let go of the pole with my right hand and grab the trapeze.  Um. Okay?  Then, toes off the platform.  Um.  Okay?  I can dig this.  Yeah, not so bad.  Let’s just hang here for awhile.  But, then, she says it.  Take the trapeze.  Obviously this means I need to let go of the pole, secure the trapeze and have the only thing keeping me from falling face first into a net 40 feet down is this tiny purple-haired girl who is yelling at me.  (This is circus school encouragement.  Not entirely warm & fuzzy).  Um … okay.  Okay.  Yes.  YES.  DOING IT.  Hanging on (for dear life).  Hanging on!   Of course, it’s not over.  Not by a long shot.  I haven’t actually done anything!  I still need to actually jump off and swing.  Why?  This is enough, isn’t it?  My heart is now in my neck.  Can I do this?  Why am I doing this?  Yes, I can do this.  I can do this because of the best four words someone can ever tell you when you’re about to jump 40 feet into oblivion:  just trust and jump.  I have a harness.  There is someone down below.  The 20 odd people before me have all survived.  So, I did it.  I jumped off the platform.  I swung.  I don’t remember a thing.  And when it was time, I dropped back onto that net and it felt like I was floating in air.  It. Was. Amazing.  Amazing! I don’t think you could say I was flying, but .. why not?  Hell!  I was flying on a trapeze 40 feet in the air!

I was scared.  Petrified.  Uncomfortable.  Terrified.  Anxious.  Panicked.  Unsure.  Did I say scared?   But for a split second - the second it took to just trust and jump – all those words disappeared.  I jumped and in the end I felt amazing.  Exhilarated.  Happy.  Proud.  Beyond Great. Free.

So step right up! Boys and girls! Children of all ages!  The only four words to keep close to your heart, because truly, it makes no matter whether you are staring down 40 feet of fear or living a life of questions, I don’t knows and I don’t want tos, all you ever, ever have to do is …

Just Trust and Jump

Quotable - Part 8

"I am tired of my own thoughts".

                                            J. Rayner, Wednesday August 3rd, 2011.

Possessed

Not me.  Relax.  I’m too much of a non-believer for that. 

It’s my Blackberry.  My Blackberry is completely and utterly possessed.

You see, at random, without fanfare, or nary a vibrate, my Blackberry bursts into song. 

Obviously my Blackberry and I are kindred spirits as what joy is there in life if we cannot – without fanfare, or nary a vibrate – burst into song, but this is really getting to me now.  It’s getting to me because I don’t understand how it’s happening.  And when I take a break from trying to figure that out and move on from that conundrum to the next and ask why it’s happening, well, question marks and head shakes abound. 

It’s the same song all the time.  Dean Martin’s “That’s Amore”.  I know – so wonderfully charming and almost festive in its simple love of love – “when you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet” - I’m typically all over shit like this, but somehow not when my Blackberry randomly plays it at random times for no apparent reason.  I mean, what is going on?  What sign is this, pray tell?  Is the Universe According to RIM speaking to me? 

I feel like Amelie and that ridiculous gnome.  Okay, not ridiculous - completely charming and lovely and almost magical but this is my real life and my life is not a charming French film, if only because I don’t have the language skills.  Sérieusement!

I’ve tried troubleshooting:  no, it’s not a ringtone; no, it’s not saved on my phone anywhere; no, I don’t hook my Blackberry up to iTunes.  The sound on my phone is always OFF.  I’m not engaging my phone in anyway when this happens.  It just sings.  It just randomly sings “That’s Amore”, one verse only, and stops so I can go crazy for a little while and then, randomly, a day or two or week later it does it again.  help.

I’ve contemplated calling the (no)Help Desk but I know they are going to think I’m positively loony-tunes. Just like everyone who I’ve told does, heck, I think I’m loony-tunes.  Don’t you?  Of course you do!  It’s totally loony-tunes.  Although when I stop the wondering of the how’s and why’s for a nanosecond it’s also sort of hilarious.  And nonsense-ical. And cute and charming and fun and ridiculous and whimsical and all those other fantastical things that can’t be explained but you just go with because they make you feel good.  Like … love.  huh. 

So, That’s Amore, Dean says.  Okay, Dean.  So it is.  So it is.  I don’t know how you’re singing to me, Dean.  I don’t know why either.  And right now, at this second, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I no longer care – I’m just going with it because sometimes it’s just easier that way.  It’s easier to stop thinking of the how’s and why’s and just think that I must be pretty damn lucky to have found this wonderfully possessed phone that at random without fanfare or nary a vibrate sings to me.  How lucky is my phone to have found me, an utter loony-tunes who will now sing along?  That’s not really lucky, no … That’s Amore.  

That’s Amore

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big-a pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine
Like you've had too much wine
That's amore

Bells'll ring
Ting-a-ling-a-ling
Ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts'll play
Tippi-tippi-tay
Tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool
Joost-a like pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street
With a cloud at your feet, you're in love
When you walk in a dream
But you know you're not dreamin', signore
'Scusami, but you see
Back in old Napoli, that's amore