Simply The Best

I am Chandler Bing.

I am Chandler Bing in the fact that I can't with any great clarity describe what I do.  No one really knows what I do. I long for a one word career - Lawyer, Doctor, Mime  - but, alas, no not me.  It's convoluted and requires some back knowledge and it usually ends up with a "oh, right, you work at a bank".  Um, not really, but whatever, who cares.  I have  a great job that I really like and I'm really good at, so who really cares that I can't really explain it in a sentence or three.

My niece and nephews think I have the most awesome job.  This is because I take a cool train (so young, innocent) to get there,  ride an elevator for a long time, don't have to go outside to get smoothies and can see boats from my window.  God, I love these kids.

These kids are getting a little older now (so angry at my brother for this.  MAKE IT STOP.) and they ask questions.  We need real answers.  So, yesterday, when my niece asked me "Thia Olga, what do you really do for your job?" this was a huge test.

It was serious.  The table was silent, waiting for my answer.  I mean, everyone wanted to know!  What to tell her?  HOW?  You can't dismiss kids when they're curious about work!  Bad answer = laziness!

"Well, Tricia, I solve problems and try to make people happy."

And then, without a trace of sarcasm or disbelief:

"Oh, I get it.  You're like a superhero."

Try that Chandler Bing.

Simply The Best.

DumbDumb

You all should know by now that technology of any sort completely evades me. 

I just don't get it. 
I just don't want to get it.

For someone that needs to understand the whys and hows of everything this is a pretty big white flag.  But I can deal with it. I can deal with not knowing the whys and hows of browers and operating systems and the differences between kbs and mbs.  (Yes, really, I don't know.)

The problem though with not having a clue is, quite simply, it's 2012.  And I'm not at Shady Pines yet.  Like, you sort of need to know some stuff.   You need to get by.  So, in order to "get by" I complain about how complicated things are and then I ask smart people for help.  This works because generally people like to show you how smart they are and sometimes you find nice people who can show you they are smart without making you feel stupid.  I love these people.  Here is an example of my most recent techno nightmare and how I sought to fix it.  Names have been changed to protect the idiot, but yeah, I sent these emails.
 

"Dear Genius,

I’m having a problem and I really, really hope you can help me.  It’s not embarrassing or anything, I would describe it as typical.  I’m having a typical kind of me problem.  It involves my iPad and my Laptop.  They don’t seem to be getting along.  You see, they’re just not talking to each other.  As you know, Genius, this causes problems for any and all kinds of relationships.  You need to help me help them.  I don’t want my iPad to go without, you know?  I have all this new music that my Laptop is just hoarding right now and it’s not fair that iPad can’t have it!

This is basically what happened, how I tried to get them on track:

I opened iTunes on my Laptop.  I plugged my Laptop into my iPad.  Nothing happened.

I turned everything off and started again.  Nothing happened.

I thought maybe the cable was broken, but it’s not because my iPad was charging (see!  Laptop is trying to talk!).

I thought maybe the super connection power was waning so I tested out my iPod.  It worked and synced. Laptop is a giver!

I stared at my screen for a while hoping I could will them together.  Nothing happened.

I sent you a message.  Nothing happened.

I was sad. I felt my iPad being sad, without new Muse and Metric, I mean, how could it be anything but?  I tried.  I really, really tried to figure things out. 

I remembered something about operating systems and upgrades, so I went online to do something called “troubleshooting”.  I discovered that my iPad is on 6 (because, you know I have Siri now – which of course is very exciting), and my laptop is on Snow Leopard (a new thing that I loaded up last week), which is also called 10.6.8 which is very confusing, I mean, who would name a leopard that? and my iTunes is 7.  Do you think, Genius, that this is the problem?  Is this Apple’s version of the Tower of Babel?  Can’t we all get along?  Can you help me?

Humbly Yours,

Damsel in Digital Distress."

Well, sadly, my Genius had no idea. They seemed to think I was doing everything right, so I contemplated just throwing everything in the garbage and starting from scratch.  But this seemed wasteful and not very eco-friendly.  I was bummed out to the highest degree.  And I didn't want to give up.  I am tenacious and stubborn when I'm not lazy and apathetic and this wasn't going to get me!  So, armed with determination and the ability to outstare, I tried again.  And then, then this:

"Good Morning Genius!

Guess what.  GUESS WHAT?!  I don’t need your help with this after all.  I, yes I, figured it out myself!  Turns out that the leopard wasn’t really on the prowl.  Like, it was there, but needed to get in the game.  Not quite little, though – it took 6 hours!  SIX HOURS!  That’s a big leopard! But now?  Now iPad and Laptop are talking and syncing and grooving and everyone is happy, most of all ME!  I feel like the guy who invented the Mars Rover or sliced white bread.  I am SO SMART!

Hugs & Kisses,

Empowered Enduser"

So, basically, I thought I installed the new animal or whatever, I mean what the hell?  It was grinding in that CD slot for hours. But obviously nothing happened and then by total fluke I found a tab that said “system updates” which led me to an enormous update that I guess I had missed between the release and present day. 

HA!

Take that technology!  I don't need to be smart or crafty or even remotely clever to understand your shit!  I just need to be a little moron and find solutions to enormous problems by pure fluke and determination! 

Ah, technology, now you're a metaphor for my entire life?  Crafty little bugger aren't you?  FINE. Fine.

5 / V / Five

Where are you?

Where are you to cut the crap and tell it like it is and slay us all with your sarcasm?

Where are you?

Where are you to fix things and make everything right and look the coolest while doing so?

Where are you?

Where are you to tell me to just shut up, deal and stop complaining because that never changed anything anyway?

Where are you?

Where are you to sing to me and be proud of me and make me giggle and remind me how to be me?

Where are you?

Where are you to force me to stop my stupid crying because this is just the way things are now and how they will be forever.

Can’t you see I need you?  WHERE ARE YOU?

F&ck This

I’d like: more shoes, another purse, a new kitchen backsplash, a holiday, and, and, and … all those other things that are pretty easy to get.

But, I don’t need anything.

Yet, I want everything.

I am: capable, independent, strong willed, determined, self reliant, and, and, and … all those things that were somewhat hard to become.

See, I don’t need you.

Yet, I want you.

I hate this about you.

Focus

Common life mantra: Focus on the positive.

We're told to look at the bright side of everything, right? Glass half full, Buck Up Buttercup and all that, right?

As an upbeat person with a wide array of rose coloured glasses I'm totally hip to this groove. Being positive is my jam!

Maybe sometimes, though, we should focus on the negative. Digging into why something won't work out can often show us that what we think we want likely won’t be all that if we ever get it.  Bring out the obstacles!  Lay out all the crap!  Imagine a life of frustration, aggravation and depression! Who wants that?  I know!  Me neither! 

This is hard.  Everything I turn to for negative inspiration is, well, positive.  There are silver linings everywhere!  Look at Kate Monster who tells us that “you’ll never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb”.  She wants us to go for it!  She wants us to try!  But you know what Kate Monster?  I’m not climbing up that fucking mountain again.  The terrain is treacherous.  I keep getting pushed (i.e. kicked hard) back.  It hurts, Kate Monster, inside and out!  And I know I’m never ever going to get there.  As much as I wish it to be so, my life isn’t a musical, Kate Monster! Things don’t work out.  I can deal with this because I just can’t be a positive everything’s-going-to-work-out-for-you-and-your-friends-on-Avenue-Q type of person right now. Okay?

I know I seem rather Class-A-Carrie Mathison- crazy, talking to puppets and all.  If I must confess, I’ve also been talking back to Songza and iTunes.  They’ve been stupidly positive and hopeful too!  But, whatever, because for me, being Little Miss Doomsday is just as Class-A crazy.  So, why not?  Why not focus on the negative for a little while?  Please, please, just let me, just for  thismuch longer, let me go against everything I am and know and believe and let me keep thinking negative.  Then I’ll gain some real clarity and be back with smiles and laughs and hopes and dreams for everyone.  I promise.  Yes, Kate Monster, I promise I will!  But listen, between you and me, that mountain?  That mountain is a non-negotiable no.  Okay?

Okay.