New

Well, here we are counting down the last hours of 2012 and thoughts undoubtedly turn to reflection of what has past, and dreams of what's to come.

I'm not really one for reflection.  No, really, I'm not.  I don't learn from my mistakes, and this isn't to mean that I make the same ones again and again all the time but I am my way and when you're your way and you know you're your way you're going to act your way regardless of what comes your way.  I am good with this.  Very, very good. 

In light of this, I wonder what I've learned this year?  Well, not much really.  What have I reaffirmed this year?  Plenty.  Oh yes, plenty.  I've reaffirmed that I can be a class A pushover, but only because I am strong and confident in myself.  I've reaffirmed that crying at movies doesn't mean you are sensitive, kind or thoughtful.  I've reaffirmed that my hair will never let me down.  I've reaffirmed that I am happiest when I push myself to places that I didn't think I wanted to go.  I've reaffirmed that while words are powerful, they mean less than zero if they are not backed by deed. I've reaffirmed that every ounce of willpower I know I possess somehow escapes me when I am looking at a piece of cake.  I've reaffirmed that I am not a give - up type of person.  I've reaffirmed that I can be just as foolish with my heart as I am with my money.  I've reaffirmed that the knee length boot is my Holy Grail of footwear - damn you calves!  I've reaffirmed that when you've gone through a tremendous and painful loss, it is ever harder to let go.  I've reaffirmed that the best people in your life are not the "I told you so's" but the "we get it's".  I've reaffirmed that I overanalyse like a MOFO.  I've reaffirmed Ben Wyatt & Leslie Knope forever! I've reaffirmed that life's greatest lessons come where you least expect them, thank you, Improv.

Most of all, I've reaffirmed that despite a year, well, actually, a life, of ups and downs and all arounds I have nothing to really and truly complain or gripe about.  I'm good.  More than good.  I am lucky. 

Was 2012 a bad year?  A  good year?  I'd say it was just like any other year - full of those ups and downs and all arounds.  It brought challenges and tears and heartaches and laughter and dancing and travels and friends and family and goodbyes and hellos just like every other year does.  It's how you look at all those things that make a year good, bad or special.

I want more of the same for 2013 - the good and bad, but mostly the good, of course.  I want to run myself a little less ragged and learn to make perfect pastry.  (I think I will accomplish one of these things).  I want to see lots of movies.  I want to enjoy my year of S travel in San Sebastian & South Africa and I want to continue my Holy Grail pursuit of those blasted boots.  I want to share in people's joy and be there in their sorrow and know that these people will also be there for me.  I want to be a better writer and a better improvisor.  I want to continue challenging myself.  I want to try and stop pushing my narrative so hard.  I want to stay healthy.  So, basically, I want more of the same.  Who needs new when what you have is pretty damn amazing?  Exactly.  And for you, I want all the things you want for yourself because you deserve them. 

Happy New Year, xxoo.

Cheater

I haven't done this before, I'm feeling a bit self-conscious.  Like, have I got nothing left?  Am I all used up?  Have I become prose-silent?

Nah, it's just that sometimes other people can say things better than you can.  They somehow seem to get you, so much so it's like you're reading YOU.  So, here we go kids, I'm re-blogging:

"I miss the Daytimer.

The Daytimer was one of the many casualties of the internet/smartphone era. I’ve never kept a journal or a diary but I was a devout Daytimer user. Recently during a visit to my parents’ storage locker, I found my 1998 Daytimer. The entire year came back to me through appointment entries, notes to self, receipts, photo booth pictures, to-do lists, and phone numbers; I remembered everything: what I wore, what movies I saw, who I saw them with, why my boyfriend sucked, specific days at work, where I sat, what was said at team meetings… all of it. And just from quick entries, a few words here and there with no proper sentences. But they were enough to trigger the memories.

Right now, if you were to ask me what I did last month, I couldn’t tell you. And I carry two smartphones, each, obviously, with a calendar function.

You know why?

Technology moves us forward, only. We don’t flip BACK through electronic calendars. And we certainly don’t populate them with our personalities the way we did in our Daytimers. I used to flip through my Daytimer on the subway, both to get organised but also as a sort of self-indulgence sometimes to relive a fond memory. An electronic calendar simply tells you where you have to be and when. It doesn’t encourage you to preserve how you were then, or why you were going, and what you hoped for at the time.

My Daytimer used to be a source of pride. It was black leather, and heavy; it felt substantial, and when I carried it around or set it down, the act of dragging the zipper along the edge to open up the contents felt important, like nothing that went in or came out was insignificant, a permanent record, a clue for my future self. I haven’t kept a Daytimer in over 10 years. Have I lost 10 years of clues?  

This, then, is my New Year’s Resolution: I’m going back to keeping a Daytimer. I may not have to write down phone numbers anymore but I can certainly remind myself how comfortable the cushions are in the corner booth at the restaurant where I just had lunch, and keep the cocktail napkin because I like the font they used in the logo, and looking at that later, I might remember how we laughed about how annoyed the server was when we kept asking to refill our snack tray so that we could save money on an appetiser and only order an entree.

I’m so excited about this, I’m already making plans for me and my Daytimer like it’s a relationship. Together, my Daytimer and I are going to help me manage my schedule and get into shape. We’ll be documenting everything I eat, and my workout schedule. We’ll also be making work lists and travel itineraries. We will never forget a birthday or a song that needs to be downloaded. We will keep track of the cost per wear of all my shoes. We will look back at show tickets and score cards and celebrate a year full of culture and golf. We are going to be there for each other all the time. We will be so organised. We can’t wait to tell you all about it in 12 months. We have already made a note of this.

Happy New Year!"*

Long live paper! 

Thank you, Lainey.  Thank you for validating my black book.  My black book that rules my social life and in general life.  Where birthdays are written in RED and plans are set in pencil (I'm not non-commital, just busy!).  My black book that I buy new re-fills for and keep all-filled ones forever and ever. 

It's nice to know we are not alone.

*http://vitaminwatercanada.tumblr.com/

Thank you, Lainey.

Simply The Best

I am Chandler Bing.

I am Chandler Bing in the fact that I can't with any great clarity describe what I do.  No one really knows what I do. I long for a one word career - Lawyer, Doctor, Mime  - but, alas, no not me.  It's convoluted and requires some back knowledge and it usually ends up with a "oh, right, you work at a bank".  Um, not really, but whatever, who cares.  I have  a great job that I really like and I'm really good at, so who really cares that I can't really explain it in a sentence or three.

My niece and nephews think I have the most awesome job.  This is because I take a cool train (so young, innocent) to get there,  ride an elevator for a long time, don't have to go outside to get smoothies and can see boats from my window.  God, I love these kids.

These kids are getting a little older now (so angry at my brother for this.  MAKE IT STOP.) and they ask questions.  We need real answers.  So, yesterday, when my niece asked me "Thia Olga, what do you really do for your job?" this was a huge test.

It was serious.  The table was silent, waiting for my answer.  I mean, everyone wanted to know!  What to tell her?  HOW?  You can't dismiss kids when they're curious about work!  Bad answer = laziness!

"Well, Tricia, I solve problems and try to make people happy."

And then, without a trace of sarcasm or disbelief:

"Oh, I get it.  You're like a superhero."

Try that Chandler Bing.

Simply The Best.

DumbDumb

You all should know by now that technology of any sort completely evades me. 

I just don't get it. 
I just don't want to get it.

For someone that needs to understand the whys and hows of everything this is a pretty big white flag.  But I can deal with it. I can deal with not knowing the whys and hows of browers and operating systems and the differences between kbs and mbs.  (Yes, really, I don't know.)

The problem though with not having a clue is, quite simply, it's 2012.  And I'm not at Shady Pines yet.  Like, you sort of need to know some stuff.   You need to get by.  So, in order to "get by" I complain about how complicated things are and then I ask smart people for help.  This works because generally people like to show you how smart they are and sometimes you find nice people who can show you they are smart without making you feel stupid.  I love these people.  Here is an example of my most recent techno nightmare and how I sought to fix it.  Names have been changed to protect the idiot, but yeah, I sent these emails.
 

"Dear Genius,

I’m having a problem and I really, really hope you can help me.  It’s not embarrassing or anything, I would describe it as typical.  I’m having a typical kind of me problem.  It involves my iPad and my Laptop.  They don’t seem to be getting along.  You see, they’re just not talking to each other.  As you know, Genius, this causes problems for any and all kinds of relationships.  You need to help me help them.  I don’t want my iPad to go without, you know?  I have all this new music that my Laptop is just hoarding right now and it’s not fair that iPad can’t have it!

This is basically what happened, how I tried to get them on track:

I opened iTunes on my Laptop.  I plugged my Laptop into my iPad.  Nothing happened.

I turned everything off and started again.  Nothing happened.

I thought maybe the cable was broken, but it’s not because my iPad was charging (see!  Laptop is trying to talk!).

I thought maybe the super connection power was waning so I tested out my iPod.  It worked and synced. Laptop is a giver!

I stared at my screen for a while hoping I could will them together.  Nothing happened.

I sent you a message.  Nothing happened.

I was sad. I felt my iPad being sad, without new Muse and Metric, I mean, how could it be anything but?  I tried.  I really, really tried to figure things out. 

I remembered something about operating systems and upgrades, so I went online to do something called “troubleshooting”.  I discovered that my iPad is on 6 (because, you know I have Siri now – which of course is very exciting), and my laptop is on Snow Leopard (a new thing that I loaded up last week), which is also called 10.6.8 which is very confusing, I mean, who would name a leopard that? and my iTunes is 7.  Do you think, Genius, that this is the problem?  Is this Apple’s version of the Tower of Babel?  Can’t we all get along?  Can you help me?

Humbly Yours,

Damsel in Digital Distress."

Well, sadly, my Genius had no idea. They seemed to think I was doing everything right, so I contemplated just throwing everything in the garbage and starting from scratch.  But this seemed wasteful and not very eco-friendly.  I was bummed out to the highest degree.  And I didn't want to give up.  I am tenacious and stubborn when I'm not lazy and apathetic and this wasn't going to get me!  So, armed with determination and the ability to outstare, I tried again.  And then, then this:

"Good Morning Genius!

Guess what.  GUESS WHAT?!  I don’t need your help with this after all.  I, yes I, figured it out myself!  Turns out that the leopard wasn’t really on the prowl.  Like, it was there, but needed to get in the game.  Not quite little, though – it took 6 hours!  SIX HOURS!  That’s a big leopard! But now?  Now iPad and Laptop are talking and syncing and grooving and everyone is happy, most of all ME!  I feel like the guy who invented the Mars Rover or sliced white bread.  I am SO SMART!

Hugs & Kisses,

Empowered Enduser"

So, basically, I thought I installed the new animal or whatever, I mean what the hell?  It was grinding in that CD slot for hours. But obviously nothing happened and then by total fluke I found a tab that said “system updates” which led me to an enormous update that I guess I had missed between the release and present day. 

HA!

Take that technology!  I don't need to be smart or crafty or even remotely clever to understand your shit!  I just need to be a little moron and find solutions to enormous problems by pure fluke and determination! 

Ah, technology, now you're a metaphor for my entire life?  Crafty little bugger aren't you?  FINE. Fine.

5 / V / Five

Where are you?

Where are you to cut the crap and tell it like it is and slay us all with your sarcasm?

Where are you?

Where are you to fix things and make everything right and look the coolest while doing so?

Where are you?

Where are you to tell me to just shut up, deal and stop complaining because that never changed anything anyway?

Where are you?

Where are you to sing to me and be proud of me and make me giggle and remind me how to be me?

Where are you?

Where are you to force me to stop my stupid crying because this is just the way things are now and how they will be forever.

Can’t you see I need you?  WHERE ARE YOU?

F&ck This

I’d like: more shoes, another purse, a new kitchen backsplash, a holiday, and, and, and … all those other things that are pretty easy to get.

But, I don’t need anything.

Yet, I want everything.

I am: capable, independent, strong willed, determined, self reliant, and, and, and … all those things that were somewhat hard to become.

See, I don’t need you.

Yet, I want you.

I hate this about you.

Focus

Common life mantra: Focus on the positive.

We're told to look at the bright side of everything, right? Glass half full, Buck Up Buttercup and all that, right?

As an upbeat person with a wide array of rose coloured glasses I'm totally hip to this groove. Being positive is my jam!

Maybe sometimes, though, we should focus on the negative. Digging into why something won't work out can often show us that what we think we want likely won’t be all that if we ever get it.  Bring out the obstacles!  Lay out all the crap!  Imagine a life of frustration, aggravation and depression! Who wants that?  I know!  Me neither! 

This is hard.  Everything I turn to for negative inspiration is, well, positive.  There are silver linings everywhere!  Look at Kate Monster who tells us that “you’ll never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb”.  She wants us to go for it!  She wants us to try!  But you know what Kate Monster?  I’m not climbing up that fucking mountain again.  The terrain is treacherous.  I keep getting pushed (i.e. kicked hard) back.  It hurts, Kate Monster, inside and out!  And I know I’m never ever going to get there.  As much as I wish it to be so, my life isn’t a musical, Kate Monster! Things don’t work out.  I can deal with this because I just can’t be a positive everything’s-going-to-work-out-for-you-and-your-friends-on-Avenue-Q type of person right now. Okay?

I know I seem rather Class-A-Carrie Mathison- crazy, talking to puppets and all.  If I must confess, I’ve also been talking back to Songza and iTunes.  They’ve been stupidly positive and hopeful too!  But, whatever, because for me, being Little Miss Doomsday is just as Class-A crazy.  So, why not?  Why not focus on the negative for a little while?  Please, please, just let me, just for  thismuch longer, let me go against everything I am and know and believe and let me keep thinking negative.  Then I’ll gain some real clarity and be back with smiles and laughs and hopes and dreams for everyone.  I promise.  Yes, Kate Monster, I promise I will!  But listen, between you and me, that mountain?  That mountain is a non-negotiable no.  Okay?

Okay.

Face It

Scary season is completely upon us.  Outlandish ghouls and goblins humouring our inner fraidy cat, making a mockery of things that truly aim to terrorize.  Things like our phobias and limitations.

Many of our fears are outward and these are the easiest to face because they’re usually coupled with want.  I want this, so I will push through that.  I wanted to fly on a trapeze last year so I ignored my fear of heights.  My desire to surf allowed me to miraculously forget the scariness of the wide open ocean and my weakness as a swimmer. I wanted these things so bad I crushed how petrified I was and just focused on the doing.  The trapeze was of course amazing, but the surfing?  A whole next level of amazing.  It was by far one of the most rewarding and exhilarating experiences of my life and every time I notice the scars I endured I smile to myself and think “Jesus, you did it.  What an awesome nutjob you are.”  This is as much positive self – talk as I can take.  My latest conquer, if you will, is singing.  Not so much the act itself, but actually sucking at the singing in front of people.  You see, I’m taking Musical Improv now and we have to sing and rhyme and I am utterly petrified.  I suck.  Completely.  But that, apparently, doesn’t matter in musical improv.  If you’re a great singer in this context it’s actually rather boring.  People come to see commitment and finding glory in the suck. I can totally do that.  And I’m going to do it.  I am doing it!  I want to do this.  I want to get good and scare the shit out of myself and come out the other side exhilarated and thrilled and, yes, somewhat proud of myself.

Inner fears are harder.  They’re by logic deeper, riddled with memories of pain, hurt and self-doubt.  But can we try, maybe, to use our outer fear tricks to conquer these inner fear ghouls?  As a quintessential ‘yes’ person, you know I think we can.

In order to do this, we need to give fear another friend.  We need to give our fear trust.  I was scared out of my mind on that trapeze (http://curiousyetdelicious.blogspot.com/2011/08/just-trust-and-jump.html) but I trusted the power of the harness and the instructor and I just jumped.  Drowning, hitting my head on a big ass rock and, yes, actually dying crossed my mind a number of times during my surf escapade, but I trusted my cool as a cucumber instructor enough to believe that he wasn’t going to let me die.  And now, I trust my improv mates (who are far, far more talented than I) to make do with my lame rhyming blues couplets and come up with some magic for all of us.  But most of all, I trusted myself.  I trusted that regardless of how uncoordinated and scared and untalented I was, it was all going to be okay.  I was going to be okay.  The people around me were going to make sure that everything was going to be all right, and, guess what?  It was.  It is.  I am.

I faced it all and never regretted it for a second.  Things are never as scary as we think they are, not when want and trust are on the case.

Don’t live an almost.  Live an is.  Face it.  You know you can.

Next Level

I love plans, love making plans. I’m like Hannibal in the A-Team:  I love it when a plan comes together.  It’s a compulsion.  I like to know what I’m doing when, where and with who.  I realise this isn’t all together normal and for the laid back sorts in my life I’m sure it gets really annoying but it’s just a way for me to keep on top of things and make sure I’m seeing / doing everything I want to do because you know me – I like to see and do everything.

I’m typically the one getting things organised with my crew and I don’t mind this at all but I really, really REALLY love it when someone else picks up the ball and makes some plans.  Any plans.  I love to follow (I know no one believes me but I do, I can and I have!)!  I get that people rarely get the chance (on top of things!), but if you hit me early, I’m in and excited and really quite thrilled to be a merry passenger on our sure to be fun adventure. 

So don’t screw things up by making half – ass plans and asking me a gazillion questions about these plans.  Things that should be taken care of by you, the planner, such as:  Where are we going? Does the restaurant take reservations?  Where should I park?  Should I ask so-and-so? I mean, really? That’s from Making Plans 101 – offer a suggestion, solicit opinions, settle a date and provide your fellow social buddies the details. I don’t want to get involved!  Don’t ask me, you’re not a Mennonite, ask The Internet!  YOU’RE MAKING THE PLANS, remember?

I know I shouldn’t get aggravated and annoyed and frustrated.  I should just let things roll and offer information and send links and, well, be generally helpful.  But I don’t want to because I really thought I had the night off.   

I bet you’re really scared to ask me to do anything now, right? 

The Tale of Two Trailers

To love movies is to love trailers. Everyone likes a little foreplay, right?

Trailers should be a perfect little tease for the future main event, it’s that simple. They should hook me, intrigue me and excite me to the point where I just CANNOT WAIT until opening day.

Sometimes a trailer is so amazing it makes me interested in something that wasn’t necessarily my thing. Like Cloud Atlas. Impenetrable book + Impressive Trailer = TIFF Highlight.

In rare instances, trailers kill my mood. Most recently, I’m thinking Lincoln and The Gangster Squad.

Trailers are tricky business. Say too much and kill the anticipation, say too little and cause confusion. Edits, sweeping scores and choosing what to focus on are crucial to heighten interest. It’s not easy, and quite frankly I lost all faith in The Holiday when they asked me to believe that Cameron Diaz’s dumdum character actually did this for her job. Making trailers is not a job for dumdums. (yes, that’s the only problem I had with The Holiday.)

Just this week I had high/low points with trailers – one lured me in and I almost dismissed the other.

There was no doubt I was seeing Keep the Lights On after watching the trailer. Wow. Suped up emotion, passion, troubles, addicition, tears, love. I’m SO into this.

Look! Aren’t you?!

We all agreed! We all made plans! We all hated it! It was a snoreborefest. Damn you trailer!

There was no doubt I was not seeing Argo after watching the trailer. It looked hokey, somewhat campy and glib.

Do you agree?

Well, Argo wasn’t any of those things. It was well paced and suspenseful (pretty hard when you already know the ending) and well acted and just very, very good. I’m glad I didn’t trust my trailer gut on this one.

It’s all we’ve got, really: two short little minutes that should leave us wanting a hundred more. Not many things can live up to that, can they? Or can’t they?


I say they can.

Disappoint

Pretty much the worst word in the English language.  Full of weight and pressure and expectation and, most important, a lack of self-determination.  Fear of disappointing and the pressure to not disappoint makes us do things we may not want to do.  We do things not out of want, but out of pressure to be somewhat perfect. To be constantly liked.  The more people mean to us, the worse this is.  We cannot let them down.  We cannot let them see we cannot do it.  We cannot let them see that right now, in this micro-instant,  something is more important than them.  We need to be everything.  We need to be everywhere.  We need to be there.

So you strive to make the best of everything.  Never is anything a hard no:  you leave early, arrive late and miraculously are two places at once.  You bend, you spread, you exhaust. 

For what?  For who? For why? 

How about you?

Are you well intentioned?  Are you good?   Are you reasonable and understanding and not a grade-A selfish moron?  Then why the fear?  Why not faith? Faith that others will see the inherent you and not be consumed by a blip in the radar. That they, perhaps, will bend just a little for you.  You can’t do that, well, that’s okay what about this. 

This is hard, so, so hard.  Disappointment starts with expectation (the 2^nd worst word in the English language), and when you expect the best of yourself, and do all the things you tell others not to do, you put pressure on everyone else to follow suit.  It’s hypocritical and unfair.   I’m not entirely sure how to stop this.  How to stop the cycle of want turning to not.  To stop putting pressure on myself and those around me.  To maybe care a little less (just a little) about outward perception and just do the best I can. 

Isn’t that what everyone is trying to do?  Just be the best they can? How can you be disappointed with that?

TIFF 2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 13, Finally!

Well, hello there!

How have you been?  Wonderful! Me?  Why, thank you for asking! I've been great too!  Just not here great.  I'm having technological challenges, which isn't really an excuse of course.  I mean, my whole life is a technological challenge but sites have been updated and browsers have not which leaves me in the precarious position of blogging without italics, underlines and I think (although have not tried) inserts of any sort.  Talk about boring.  I hope you stress my words where I mean to and can only imagine the wondrous videos and images I wanted to share!

Enough of that (see!  I wanted that in italics!).  On to this (arg!  I wanted that in italics too!):

I know, it's been almost three weeks since TIFF Glorious TIFF wrapped up but you know what they say about memories: they last forever until you forget them.  Here's my highlight reel for Condensed Mayhem 2012.

* Rust & Bone was a most dramatic, emotional and heartwrenching film starring my love, Marion Cotillard.  In one harrowing scene, Marion is confronted with her personal tragedy in a most dramatic way.  She screams and pleas "Mes Jambes! Mes Jambes!", shocked at what she sees.  We feel this.  We feel this hard.  Everyone loves to act out high drama scenes in movies, especially when drunk.  So, here goes Jason.  "Mes Jambons! Mes Jambons!".  Ah, language, so tricky.

* Bomboniere at weddings are so over.  Who needs another 'fill in the blank useless thing you will never use and only dust' right?  Well, leave it to my awesome friends from English Vinglish who handed out bombonierre of their own after a most celebratory Indian Wedding.  Ladoos!  Yummy! 

* I love Thanksgiving.  The traditional Thanksgiving meal is one of my favourites.  I'm unsure how I will react to our bird this year after seeing a human haired turkey belly in Yellow.  We shall see.  We shall see.  (My strategy is more stuffing.)

* Sing a longs are fun, no?  Yes!  Singing Sit On My Face - a most crude and awesome song if ever there was one - with a crowd full of Monty Python fans was magic.  "Life can be fine if we all 69!"  I mean, come on.

* Christopher Walken.  I watched a movie with Christopher Walken!

* My favourite TIFF movie won the People's Choice.  That's right, Silver Linings Playbook.  Yes, I DO know how to pick 'em.

* Been embarrassed by your cell phone going off at a movie?  Oops, right?  Well, what if the phone isn't yours?  And you try to turn it off but you can't?  And it doesn't belong to anyone.  And it keeps ringing.  And ringing.  AH!  What do you do?  Well, obviously, you pass it to the guy on the aisle and get him to deal with it.  Congratulations Olga & Scott, winners of Cell Phone Hot Potato!

* Imogene is not your lover.  But if you see this movie, you'll want her to be.

* "Why are you lining up so early?".  My Mom.  She'll learn.  What a trip.  The woman's a trooper, and lucky:  Silver Linings Playbook AND The Impossible?  Yes, I DO know how to pick 'em.

* Crab cakes, eaten heels, good samaritans and glorious sunshine - Violet's birthday is always a memorable occasion!

* Make Up Peek A Boo during Cloud Atlas.  What?!  That was him?!

* New friends Scott & Andrea, the bun lady and never seeing movie where Nicole Kidman pees on anyone because we chose not to.  "Remember the part in ... ".  Man, we are rude.

* Bradley Cooper.  Ewan McGregor. 

All in all, another great year.  Of course!  From an insane spreadsheet (thank you, Julie!) to our Thursday Night Jam Session to our three phase execution strategy (thank you, Cres!) I feel we have a future in TIFF consulting.  Or a free pass to the loony bin.  I'm all in either way, because there is no other way. 

TIFF 2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 12, BANG!

Now this is how an epic anything has to end - with a bang, leaving you wanting more and more and more ...

Imogene
Kristen Wiig, Annette Bening, Matt Dillon

No one plays a loveable loser as well as Kristen Wiig.  In Imogene, she continues this trend playing a woman so embarrased by her past, she can't seem to focus right on her future - every hope and dream is pinned on someone else because she can't face the hard reality that she is the fuck up.  I laughed hard at this one - at nutjob-thank-GOD-you're-not-my-Mom Annette Bening and Matt Dillon whose really found his niche playing, well, really peculiar dudes.  I rekindled my appreciation for the Backstreet Boys.  Great soundtrack, great script. Loved it.

Yellow
Heather Wahlquist, Sienna Miller, Gena Rowlands, Melanie Griffith

Any movie directed by a Cassavetes is going to be weird.  And not because they're Greek.  They're renegade film makers, starting with dad John, who, along with wife Gena Rowlands, was a pioneer of independent film (financing them with his Hollywood paycheques),  deploying techniques of improvisation and 'documentary style' filmmaking.   Son Nick is following in his Dad's footsteps and we're all along for this crazy ride.  Mary (played by Heather Wahlquist, who also co-wrote the screenplay with Nick), seems normal enough but we soon realise that anyone with a sole steady diet of 20 Vicodan w/ Vodka chaser can't really be all that normal.  What happens through most of the film is in Mary's head, or is it?  It was wild and weird and completely riveting. 

The Master
Joaquin Phoenix, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams

Paul Thomas Anderson, who wrote and directed The Master is one talented guy.  He writes, he directs and has the ability to draw out the most riveting performances in his actors.  Sure, he casts some talented folks, but everyone ups their game for PT, everyone.  The Master is no exception - Joaquin Phoenix is a well known nut and Phillip Seymour Hoffman is the real deal.  Together in this film we are watching perfection.   Amy Adams, playing the cool, calculating and sinister wife of Hoffman's 'The Cause' leader was the film's best surprise.  The film is being talked about as "the one about Scientology", and yes, I suppose it is but it's also a compelling drama, impeccably told.

Three for three on our last day?  That's some pretty awesome programming if you ask me.  Stay tuned for the highlight reel, coming soon.  For now, I am TIFFed but will leave you with ...

Winner:  Top Song from a Movie Soundtrack, TIFF2012:

 

TIFF2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 11, Stiff

The end is nigh.  And we're feeling it.  In our stiff hips, weary eyes and snarky replies.  TIFFing hard is absolutely not for the faint of heart, spirit or endurance and our week of movie bliss is taking its toll.  What to do?  Suck it up - IT'S TIFF!

Cloud Atlas
Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Jim Sturgess, Jim Broadbent, Hugh Grant

Saying this film is ambitious doesn't quite cut it.  It's beyond any scope of movie making I have ever seen or could imagine in my life.  Adapted by the almost impenetrable book by David Mitchell, the story weaves six separate but loosely related narratives through history, science and suspense.  Directed by the Wachowski siblings and Tom Tkywer it will blow your mind.  It's the most polarizing film of the festival but it's bold and inventive and it lives up to that insane trailer.  I really didn't want this to suck and it didn't.  Whew.

Thank you for Sharing
Mark Ruffalo, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tim Robbins, Josh Gad

Tough subject matter handled with deftness and sensitivity by Stuart Blumberg, who wrote the equally great The Kids are All Right.  We're dealing with sex addiction and the themes that any addiction brings -  loneliness, self worth, control, escape and eventually making amends.  Great casting, and Jesus Christ I hate Gwyneth Paltrow so much.  Why?  Because she's so fucking perfect.  In everything.   She wasn't carrying the movie by any means,  the whole cast was terrific (props also to Mark Ruffalo's wardrobe) and in the end we just wanted everyone to get better.  I have faith they will.

Byzantium
Saoirse Ronan, Gemma Arterton

Movies like this aren't my bag.  Scary Vampires?  Whatever.  Here, a mother and daughter vampire duo form a deadly pact and, uh, madness ensues?   It was good - gory, gross, scary and dark.  There were bats.  I liked it well enough but I think fans of the genre would be more effusive in their praise.  Me?  I'm tired.


Oh no.  It's happened.  Today is here.  What's today?  OUR LAST DAY. WHAT?! It's our last day?  I'm nostalgic already.  NO!  I hope we go out on a high.  On tap, Imogene (is not my lover)*, Yellow and ... The Master.

*just try to say Imogene without thinking of Billy Jean.  Just try. See. Impossible.

TIFF2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 10, Saved.

It was bound to happen.  A flop.  We were having such a great run - ten for ten before last night's screenings.  But why, why did the flop have to be this one?  Disappointment really is a four-letter word.

Arthur Newman
Colin Firth, Emily Blunt

Yup.  This one.  It was awful.  I liked the story well enough - a man, desperate, depressed and lonely fashions a new identity for himself and seeks a new life, finding along the way a similarly storied woman.  It had some fun bits - sexcapades with Colin & Emily! - but overall it was a story poorly told in spite of solid performances.  I wanted to like this so much, even watching I was talking to myself "well, this is a tender moment".  Well, no.  It was postured and fake.  Even the scenery was crap.  There are many things I don't want to see on screen and one of them is Colin Firth smoking a bong.  Nevermind that.  This one left us deflated but I suppose we were due for a stinker.  But why, why this one?

English Vinglish
Sridevi Kapoor, Priya Anand, Mehdi

And then came this. Wow.  Loved.  Every. Minute.  Loved.  Every. Thing.  The story, the colours, the message, the joy.  Telling the story of a belittled and insecure Indian housewife who enrolls in English classes to find her true self.  It was funny, charming, heartwarming and poignant.  I cried during most of this film, not because it was sad but because I fell in love with this woman - seen as a typical conservative wife and mom by her family she knows she can do more, be more, is more but she needs to prove it to herself before she can even believe it - and I felt her so much.  She does, and more, showing all of us that while we are not always what others think and see of us, it can only be up to us to show them.  And, in the classic Indian way, there were dance numbers!

50/50 ain't too bad.

Today it's a three-fer.  Epic time & space travel, sex addiction and vampires.  And I'm late ... Ah, TIFF.

TIFF is mainly about standing in line.

TIFF 2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 9, Pomp

Happy Birthday Violet!

Yesterday started off well enough.  Armed with cute new shoes and a perfect day off attitude I set off to walk my way to further happiness - birthday lunch with the ladies.  Soon in, the shoes had turned evil and my mood was fueled by distinct pain.  Rescued by the TTC, crab cakes, pecan pie, laughs and a good samaritan armed with band-aids, we trudge forward.

A Royal Affair
Mads Mikkelsen, Mikkel Boe Følsgaard, Alicia Vikander

I love me a good period piece.  Add political intrigue and a tragic romance and I'm in, hook line & sinker.  A Royal Affair is simply a masterpiece, detailing the true story of the epic romance and love triangle between a German doctor, the queen of Denmark, and her deranged king.  Amidst this romance is a very solid political drama, dealing with the ideals of the Enlightenment and the attempt to forge forward with a new kind of country.  Heavy?  Yes.  But brilliant.  Just brilliant.  From sets to score to costumes to acting this film hit all the high notes for me.  Mads, best known for his turn as awesome Bond villian Le Chiffre in Casino Royale, was so, so good.  A classic tortured idealist brought down by love and the love of power and a nasty coup.  The young actor playing the mad King was plucked out of theatre school - pretty awesome when you consider how scary good he was, and playing our tortured Queen was one of the most beautiful actresses I have seen on screen in a long time.  She must love period pieces too as she's also in Anna Karenina. All in all, a really high calibre movie full of my favourite things:  love; drama; intrigue and corsets.

We're in the home stretch now.  Three more days, but 8 more movies.  Talk about back end loaded.

Tonight, Return of The Firth with Arthur Newman and English Vinglish, which is completely what it sounds like when people are talking to me these days ...

Happy Birthday, Violet!

TIFF2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 8, Yuk Technology

I'm not a big fan of technology.  I'm not talking basic technology like electricity, cars & a PVR, I mean new modern computer-ish technology.  I have no idea how to use it, what it means and how it works.  I fall prey to its conveniences of course but the whole thing just boggles my mind and while I completely see how it makes life faster, we'll have to talk about how it makes life better.

Yesterday, then, was full of irony.  I met my HLM Corinne for breakfast and we spent some time talking about how my laptop is ready for the garbage but maybe just needs a new operating system.  (?).  She's excited about the new iPhone 5.  (?).  I complained about work not leaving me alone on my day off because I'm just a BB email away.  (!!).  We updated our Facebook statuses before the movie.  (obvi.).  Do you see?  We can't escape. ( :( ).

Disconnect
Jason Bateman, Alexander Skarsgard, Hope Davis, Andrea Riseborough

I won't go so far as to call Disconnect a parable, but it comes close.  Telling the story of a group of people searching for human connections in today's wired world, it clearly illustrates just how dangerous cocooning yourself to a life online can be.  It's often easier to connect with a total stranger with the things deep in your heart of hearts because they don't know you enough to judge you, to change on you.  The couple going through a horrible tragedy here do just that - to the point of secrets and lies and a complete breakdown.  It's sad and heartbreaking and all the while you just wanted to scream at the screen "TALK TO EACH OTHER".  A second story on teen bullying gone wrong was equally heartbreaking and while the third, focusing on an underage internet sex ring of sorts didn't quite get me, it, too, drew you in to the notion of how you can feel so close and connected and important to someone you have never met, that you have only exchanged a few key strokes with online. It was terrific to see Jason Bateman (love, love, LOVE) in a dramatic role, even more terrific was he didn't suck or play to his obvious smirky sarcasticness.  Added bonus, designer Marc Jacobs showing some very keen acting chops.  Overall, not a masterpiece but powerful storytelling on a topic we can all relate to.

Today has come to be my favourite day of the Fest - It's Violet's birthday!  We eat, we film, we laugh ... we live in the real life.  Let's all do more of this, okay?

TIFF2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 7, Surprise!

Over the years our TIFF film selection strategy has been rather simple:  VISA Screening Room pass for 6pm + fill in the blanks.  With the pass, we knew one thing:  where we were going to be every night at 6pm.  The movies?  Surprises, all of them!  We've seen gems and duds over the years but it has also allowed us to see films we may not have chosen on our own, some of these have become Festival Favourites.  This year, the folks at TIFF have done away with the pass making our lives a bit difficult.  Now we have to do everything.  Julie did most of the selection heavy lifting this year, with a few must see's from the rest of us.  So far, so great - especially the one she took us to last night.

Jump
Nichola Burley, Martin McCann

This is the one I thought was a charming Irish romcom.   One out of three ain't bad.  It's Irish, all right. Just gritty and dark and, in the true Irish way, very very fun. Black comedy fun.  The best movie fun.   We're taken on a ride with New Year's Eve revellers in Derry, Ireland none of whom are having all that much fun.  We are though, absolutely.  All the twisting and turning and satisfying surprises keep this movie going in a fast paced way that made us all feel it was over in a flash.  Really loved this one.  Along with producers and stars, director Kieron Walsh was at our screening last night.  A classically charming Irish bloke, who I must say met his match with my favourite Irish lass:

GO VIOLET!

Today, Disconnect - it's about the dangers of the Internet.  So,who knows, I may take it to heart and start posting flyers ... stay tuned.

TIFF2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 6, ...

Last year I went to see Tree of Life with my superfriend J.  As seasoned movie goers and huge fans of the medium we needed to give Malick another go - maybe we were smarter this time.  Maybe we would get him.  Armed with popcorn ("Jason, seriously, I know we just ate but we need something to DO."), high hopes and determination we were ready.  Well.  About an hour into the film, we both spontaneously turned to each other (not just heads, full body turns) and started talking.  About stuff.  Now that's power.  We came to the conclusion that we simply need more from films.  Things like narrative, dialogue and a story.  I know, I know we are SO demanding.  So why, then, is To The Wonder on my TIFF list this year?  Because I'm a good friend (you're welcome Cres!) and I'm curious.  Curious enough to give Malick another shot.

To The Wonder
Ben Affleck, Rachel McAdams, Olga Kurylenko, Javier Bardem

.....

What?  You want more?  What do you think this is? A blog where I write things and you read them and you maybe disagree and maybe understand and sometimes like?  HA!  Not today!  Today's blog is dedicated to Terrence Malick.  Just. Figure. It. Out.  What do YOU want it to mean?  What do YOU think I'm saying?  Look at the pretty landscapes!  Question your faith!  Prance in the meadow!  Tell your husband you cheated on him at the drive thru (so mean!  how's he every going to go to another drive thru?!)!  Fight!  Make up!  Stare longingly!  Break stuff!  Look - bison!

I will say I liked it better than Tree of Life.  I understood this one more, and it made a bit of existential sense.  A BIT.  We all agreed that Ben Affleck was horrifically miscast.  When you're in a movie with little dialogue you need to have a face that can convey your emotions so the audience can feel you.  At the best of times Ben's face is high grade handsome dufus.  This isn't good enough. Not for Malick.  The girls?  The girls were amazing, as was Javier.  I'm sad that Martin Sheen & Rachel Wiesz were completely cut out of this picture (can you imagine that?!) because they, too, would have been interesting to watch, but Ben?  No, not Ben.  Blank.  Sullen.  Stare.

Olga & Rachel were at the Q&A last night and this is where it pays to see movies at TIFF - they helped me understand the overall sense of a Malick film (Olga kept reiterating her surprise at the ending and finished product) and method - the actors are given pages of text and upon filming are told not to say anything, to convey what they've read in their faces & bodies.  So there's that.  And that's Malick.  You love him or hate him.  Me?  I'm not talking.  LOOK AT MY FACE.

Today is a classic tale of how you need to do your research.   I thought Jump was a charming movie from Ireland.  Well, it's from Ireland but it's a crime horror movie. I don't know.  Whatever.  After last night, I'm going to make it about anything I want it to be ...

TIFF2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 5, Together

Sunday was a big day - Mama was in the house! 

I'm convinced my Mom thinks I'm crazy, but because she's my Mom she loves me anyway.  She doesn't really get my life and most of the things I do and wonders (whose kidding who, WORRIES) about why I'm not doing all the supposed normal things I should be doing or should have done with my life and why I'm not trying harder to get these things done.  This is all fine and cool and we don't really get into it much anymore because what's the point - she's entitled to her opinions and I'm entitled to ignore them.  That's the way of your family, a word for me that has come to mean acceptance, love and togetherness.   For those reasons yesterday's films were the perfect TIFF introductions for my poor Mom - up early, in line, movies, lunch, shopping, more food, more lines and another movie.  And did I mention the tears?  Oh, there were tears.  Many, many tears ...

Silver Linings Playbook
Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Robert DeNiro

If I had to describe my favourite movie genre to you I really couldn't.  I don't universally love any 'type' of movie and maybe this is why movies that defy genre are my favourite types of movie.  SLP defies genres - it's a comedy, a drama, a romance, an everything.  The characters are real, they say things you would say.  They do dumb things.  They want to figure things out.  They want their Silver Lining.  Of course they find it, it's a movie after all, but the road there certainly wasn't easy and when they get there the sense of euphoria is palpable.  The tears you shed are of happiness and relief and affirmation that YES, it IS possible.  As a (finally, again) brilliant DeNiro says to a (yes, AGAIN) brilliant Cooper "Don't fuck this up."  Well, don't - go see this the nanosecond it's released. 

The Impossible
Naomi Watts, Ewan McGregor, Tom Holland

On the surface this film sounds depressing to the core - based on the true story of a family literally torn apart in the brutal tsunami that raged on Thailand in 2004 - but it's not.  It had the potential to be melodramatic and schmaltzy - but it's not.  It's a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows and for someone like me who really gets into their movies (gasps, screen pointing) I was physically and emotionally exhausted after this one.  The performances were top notch from everyone, especially the young Tom Holland playing the older of the 3 boys.  The action sequences were so real I felt the Princess of Wales Theatre was going to be submerged in water.  The story is a miracle and a classic hope out of tragedy tale.  I loved that the real family this film is based on was there last night - emotional embraces from the cast and director rounded out a very, very powerful movie about love, survival and being together.



Mama!



Tonight I go back to the well of Malick in the hopes of understanding what it is he's trying to say - wish me luck, it's To The Wonder!  (exclamation mine, in hope and anticipation)

TIFF2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 4, Bizarro

Just a quick little post today, detailing the most peculiar film I've seen in quite awhile ...

A Liar's Autobiography
Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Michael Palin, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam

Penis rollercoasters, floating breasts, a GraveCam, a passed out in her gin-cup Queen Mum, countless forms of animation, a Freud Barbie voiced by Cameron Diaz - and I'm only scratching the surface.  I must admit to not knowing much about Monty Python.  I think their movies and bits were pretty hilarious but I can't recite from them at will like many diehard fans.  From what I do know, and what I learned last night, this incredibly weird movie was a perfect tribute to a Python that left us, and his comrades, too soon. 

We were joined last night by the film's three directors and Python Terry Jones (incidentally, one of whom is Terry's son).  At the film's conclusion, and after a hilarious Q & A, they all led the audience in a Sing-A-Long of this gem:

SPIKE
Monty Python: The 16 Ton Megaset - Sit On My Face!
www.spike.com
Spike Full Episodes Spike Video Clips Spike on Facebook

Perfect Python.

TIFF2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 3, Unique

Do you get the feeling sometimes that all screenplays are written by the same person?  Well, a number of people specializing in their genre, whether romcom or action.  Change a location, character neurosis or evil villian and basically BOOM, ya got yourself a movie!

How refreshing, then, to see filmmakers really push the envelope to make unique, ambitious stories that not only put faith of knowledge in their audience, but also rely on their actors to convey alternate ways of telling a story.

The Place Beyond the Pines
Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, Eva Mendes

Not a film whose plot can be described in a succinct sentence.  In fact, I can't imagine the pitch meeting for this one. This is three stories told not in flashback or the ever - popular entwined lives device, but in a torch pass.  Story One - Gosling.  Gosling passes to Cooper for Story Two.  Cooper in turn passes it to young actors Dane DeHaan & Emory Cohen for Story Three.  Each piece of this movie could have been its own film, complex and layered - the overall themes of fathers and sons and legacy are rich in each one and clearly the guy carrying the heaviest torch is Cooper.  This guy's good.  Very, very, good.  And as with many impossibly attractive actors sometimes we forget their talent (poor guy).  I've been a fan for years (hello, Will Tippen!) and his conflicted and ambitious Avery Cross is the storyline I was most riveted by.  Not taking anything away from Gosling, who for some reason is getting all the buzz, but this is Cooper's movie.  The more I think about this one, the more I love it - for the questions it raises, for its richness, visual thrills and ambitiousness.

7 Psychopaths
Colin Farrell, Sam Rockwell, Woody Harrelson, Christopher Walken

Midnight Madness!  After last year's most disappointing MM debut (the neither scary or good Kill List) I am betting hard on this one.  Knowing 7 Psychopaths comes to us from the same writer / director as In Bruges only raises the stakes.  Buzz has been unreal.  The cast!  The trailer! This was probably the film I was most looking forward to this year.  You're scared now right?  Wondering if a movie could possibly live up to the hype.  You heard it here.  IT TOTALLY DOES.  The script is crackerjack and when lines of such potency are delivered to perfection by the likes of Farrell, Rockwell, Harrelson, Walken and the rest of Psychopaths you are in for a ride.  What's it about?  Who cares!  All sorts of stuff.  Nothing.  Everything.  Friendship.  Loss.  Confidence.  Dogs.  Just go.  I'm going again.  And you know I don't see movies again unless there's a special and compelling reason.  I'll go on record saying Sam Rockwell's performance is my compelling reason - this guy is so underrated I get angry.  Watch Moon and tell me I'm not right (then I will 7 Psychopath you).   A special treat last night, especially for MM diehards,  was a heavily star studded screening.  Pretty much everyone was there - Christopher Walken in his grandpa pants, Woody in his flip flops, Colin & Sam brothers in arms and the ladies, Olga Kurylenko & Abbie Cornish in rather stunning geometrically innovative dresses.  An awesome night all around.

And now, off I go to A Liar's Biography - a fictionalized account of Graham Chapman's life.  It's Monty Python!  Laughs!  I'm in for laughs!

Tomorrow, Mom Comes to Town and, it's more Bradley Cooper and ... I. Can't.  Discuss.  Ewan.  It's Ewan tomorrow.

TIFF 2012 - Condensed Mayhem - Volume 2, Connect

I see movies all the time. I love the whole all of it, from trailers to Awards Season and everything in between.  You'd think, after all these years and all these films that it would get old, tired and boring.  Another movie?  This again? But it doesn't and I'm thinking now that it's because of TIFF.  Every year at this time I see movies with a bunch of other special weirdos who love this as much as I do.  The buzz in the air at a TIFF screening is electric - you can sense the excitement of knowing that we're sort of in on something - and it charges you up utterly and completely.  Of course these special weirdos I speak of are my friends, but as we know, like finds like ...

Here we are again.  Left aisle, half way up at the beautiful and historic Elgin Theatre.  I'm jacked up.  MARION IN THE HOUSE.   Cres whips out her iPad and wants to test out the camera, on me.  Of course.  Whatever!  I'm not posing.  I'm looking around laughing and mostly looking and she snaps this:



Before I can see this gem for myself (totally ridiculous & hilarious, right?) a fellow behind us says "oh my gosh - that picture is so cute" ... and after many, many, many laughs, FBfriending and swapping of TIFF war stories, we discover that the iPad is the most perfect sleath camera.  Ergo, this completely awesome shot:

Classic, classic TIFF - a pair of special weirdos meet a similar pair of special weirdos and together find and an even special-er weirdo.

Thank you Scott & Andrea for a most entertaining pre-screening laugh party.  Cres and I are so happy we chose to see Rust & Bone.  ;) 

Rust & Bone
Marion Cotillard

This film was a manifestation.  A manifestation of loss, self pity and the worst kind of anger - the physical kind.  At times most difficult to watch, yet always riveting due to the power of Marion Cotillard and her impossibly expressive face.  I'm not side blinding on this one.  Yes, I absolutely adore her.  And, now more so because of her willingness to not play to her obvious.  This wasn't a 'let's get ugly Charlize/Halle Oscar Bait' part - this was still Marion, but Marion dialed down real and raw.  She tied the film together for me, gave it a soul and as she resurrected herself out of her own tragedy, we, too, rose with her - powered by that impossibly impressive, beautiful, face.

Next up .. Shady Pines & 7 Crazy People.  Confused?  Stay Tuned, we've only just begun!

TIFF 2012 – Condensed Mayhem – Volume 1, Merry TIFF-Mas!

Dim the lights!

Cue the music!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! 

Really, you say?  Better than Christmas? 

Yes!  Yes, indeed!  Just a tad, just a sliver, yes, just a bit!  Because all the money you spend on TIFF is just for you! And you get presents every day for eleven days (that makes it even better than Hannukah!)!

Merry TIFF-MAS!

This year we really wanted to dial it down.  But you know what happens, right?  You get caught up and sucked in and before you know it you’re seeing 18 movies and taking time off work and are caught up in it all again!

Merry TIFF-MAS!

I’m looking forward to much this year:  my girl crush Marion; my boys Ewan & Colin & Jason; the hope that I will actually like a Terrence Malick film; the potential train wreck of Cloud Atlas; Violet’s Annual TIFF Birthday; sleepovers; my Mom’s first TIFF; exit Grace, enter James and all of it – the buzz, the hype, the dashing around town … it IS the most wonderful time of the year!

Merry TIFF-MAS!

Tonight we kick things off with the premiere of Rust & Bone, starring Marion Cotillard.  She of my number one girl crush.  I had no idea what this movie was about until yesterday – Marion portrays a woman who somehow loses her legs and needs to find the love within herself to let love back in, all the while looking ridiculously gorgeous, or something like that.  I hate movies like this.  I can barely get myself together with all four limbs, what the hell?!  But, she’s Marion and she’s brilliant and starting off the festival with an odd one is always a good idea.  It gets you thinking about bigger things, other worlds and people, their struggles and challenges which are more often far worse than your own.  Amidst all the frenzy surrounding TIFF, that’s always at the core for me – powerful messages shrouded in entertainment.

Merry TIFF-MAS to all, and to all a good 11 nights!

Gotta Be

Do you read your horoscope?  I do.  Religiously. I know, seems kind of dumb for a ‘prove it to me’ person like me, but whatever it's usually pretty fun. 

Over the last little while though my horoscope has been major doomsday.  Apparently, my life is in major turmoil.  I have no direction.  I am searching for something that I cannot find.  I need help and focus.  I am lost on life’s great highway. 

Well, doesn’t that just suck?  Do these people know I am to be the hip hip hooray of the horoscope world?!  I can’t have this!  I’m better than that!  But am I?  It IS true that  lately I have been feeling out of sorts – not majorily, but somewhat.  I’m mopey.  Oversensitive.  I’m not really in the mood for anything.  It takes some effort to get me going.  I have tendencies of all these things, sure, but they just seem to be manifesting at the same time right now and it’s lasting way too long and I don’t like it.  I thought I was just tired, so I bow out of plans and then sit at home sulking, wondering what kind of fun all my friends are having without me.  I thought I needed a project to work on so I think I should move but then wonder where will I go.  I’ve been feeling annoyed at work so I figure I should look for another job but then realize I don’t want to do anything else.  I’m feeling beat up.  And restless.  What is going on?     

And amidst all this, when I’m really wondering what happened to happy-go-lucky-me and when she’ll come back, I read this:

“You may be lacking motivation right now, Sagittarius. That's because you haven't formed a formal definition of where you want to go from here, and who you want to be when you get there. That's why you need a personal motto that will capture your plans for your future self - something very positive and dynamic. Your new motto, which should announce your intentions for the kind of success you seek, will become your mantra. Once you've identified that, your path forward will be very easy to find and follow.”

What the hell is this supposed to mean?!  I know, I know.  It’s a horoscope.  Big deal. But seriously, this encapsulates so much of what’s wrong right now it could maybe turn things into something right.  A little focus, a little look forward.  It could help, at least a little.  Of course I’m now thinking about this all the time but nothing seems to jive. I don’t know what my intentions are.  I don’t know what I’m seeking.  Finding a mantra sure is tons of pressure. 

And amidst all this, when I’m really wondering what will ever happen to happy-go-lucky me and what if she never comes back, I hear this:

Yeah, I know.  It’s just a song.  I still have no idea where I’m going or what I want or why I’m feeling this way, but I know (I know!) that I can be all these things.  I can be bad and bold and wise and hard and strong and cool and calm.  Will love save the day?  Doubtful, but you know what, who the hell knows.  And if I am these things maybe it will.  Maybe I'll just figure it all out in my own sweet time. 

Right?