What are you afraid of?
Oh, me? Lots of stuff. Unknown stuff (technology), ridiculous stuff (being buried alive – like, when would this happen?), morbid stuff (literally), life issue stuff (I’m coming to think my overall disdain of tattoos is a sign of my fear of commitment), and real stuff (heights, eek. Heights. So. High.).
But see, being a ‘yes to everything’ and world class joiner type of person, sometimes you say yes to stupid things even though you know they’re going to scare the crap out of you and take you somewhere you don’t necessarily want to go. Why? I don’t know. Why not? Why not go take a trapeze lesson when you’re afraid of heights and falling and dying? I mean, really – why the hell not?
So, last Friday, me on the trapeze. Scary shit. Anxiety. Panic. Fear. Hand Tremor Shakes. Oh yeah, this was a terrific idea. Can’t you just say no?! Made worse (worse!) a long forgotten memory of almost failing Grade 7 gym because I didn’t want to do the uneven bars. I was petrified by this stupid apparatus. Completely self conscious of going on it while the whole class watched me break it and likely my leg. I did not want to hang and swing and dismount. What the hell? Why must I do this? Can’t I write a short story instead? No, said Mrs Murphy, I was simply going to fail if I didn’t do it. Who the hell fails gym? So, waiting of course until the last possible moment, I did it. Surprisingly, it didn’t break and neither did my leg. I was red – cheek embarrassed and uncomfortable and so, so angry. I hate that woman still. And I blame her for my abject hatred of all (most) forms of physical activity. Who does that do a 13 year old? I don’t need you to push me! I have parents!
Obviously, Grade 7 gym did nothing for my self confidence but here we are now many years later and I’m staring at that trapeze. Taking those harrowing memories, as well as the anxiety, panic, fear and somewhat lessened hand tremor shakes with me, I slowly – one rung at a time – climb up a most rickety 40 foot ladder. 40 foot ladder. The look on my face whilst climbing said ladder was complete and utter terror. Photos should be sold for horror movie posters. Real. Fear. Up the ladder, one rung at a time, to the smallest little platform: maybe 3 feet by 2? I’m harnessed and someone’s on the platform holding onto this harness as I white knuckle hold onto the side pole for dear life. My heart is beating so fast it would be impossible to actually count my heart rate. I am sweating. I’m told to let go of the pole with my right hand and grab the trapeze. Um. Okay? Then, toes off the platform. Um. Okay? I can dig this. Yeah, not so bad. Let’s just hang here for awhile. But, then, she says it. Take the trapeze. Obviously this means I need to let go of the pole, secure the trapeze and have the only thing keeping me from falling face first into a net 40 feet down is this tiny purple-haired girl who is yelling at me. (This is circus school encouragement. Not entirely warm & fuzzy). Um … okay. Okay. Yes. YES. DOING IT. Hanging on (for dear life). Hanging on! Of course, it’s not over. Not by a long shot. I haven’t actually done anything! I still need to actually jump off and swing. Why? This is enough, isn’t it? My heart is now in my neck. Can I do this? Why am I doing this? Yes, I can do this. I can do this because of the best four words someone can ever tell you when you’re about to jump 40 feet into oblivion: just trust and jump. I have a harness. There is someone down below. The 20 odd people before me have all survived. So, I did it. I jumped off the platform. I swung. I don’t remember a thing. And when it was time, I dropped back onto that net and it felt like I was floating in air. It. Was. Amazing. Amazing! I don’t think you could say I was flying, but .. why not? Hell! I was flying on a trapeze 40 feet in the air!
I was scared. Petrified. Uncomfortable. Terrified. Anxious. Panicked. Unsure. Did I say scared? But for a split second - the second it took to just trust and jump – all those words disappeared. I jumped and in the end I felt amazing. Exhilarated. Happy. Proud. Beyond Great. Free.
Just Trust and Jump
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