Pretty much the worst word in the English language. Full of weight and pressure and expectation and, most important, a lack of self-determination. Fear of disappointing and the pressure to not disappoint makes us do things we may not want to do. We do things not out of want, but out of pressure to be somewhat perfect. To be constantly liked. The more people mean to us, the worse this is. We cannot let them down. We cannot let them see we cannot do it. We cannot let them see that right now, in this micro-instant, something is more important than them. We need to be everything. We need to be everywhere. We need to be there.
So you strive to make the best of everything. Never is anything a hard no: you leave early, arrive late and miraculously are two places at once. You bend, you spread, you exhaust.
For what? For who? For why?
How about you?
Are you well intentioned? Are you good? Are you reasonable and understanding and not a grade-A selfish moron? Then why the fear? Why not faith? Faith that others will see the inherent you and not be consumed by a blip in the radar. That they, perhaps, will bend just a little for you. You can’t do that, well, that’s okay what about this.
This is hard, so, so hard. Disappointment starts with expectation (the 2nd worst word in the English language), and when you expect the best of yourself, and do all the things you tell others not to do, you put pressure on everyone else to follow suit. It’s hypocritical and unfair. I’m not entirely sure how to stop this. How to stop the cycle of want turning to not. To stop putting pressure on myself and those around me. To maybe care a little less (just a little) about outward perception and just do the best I can.
Isn’t that what everyone is trying to do? Just be the best they can? How can you be disappointed with that?
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