15 Minutes

I’m not big into yoga.

I’m not sure if it’s because I can’t really do it or because the whole mumbo jumbo be one with the world thing doesn’t really resonate with me.  Thing is, I want to be into yoga because it’s good for you – or so I’m told.  It can change my life.  Or, at least my posture, which for sure is atrocious. 

So I keep trying.

Last night I tried again and entered class with a clean slate.  Please, please be the class for me.  Sooth my weary mind.  Unkink my bricks for shoulders.  Do not chant.  Help. Me. Teach-dude had an incredibly soothing voice, the kind that could walk you right off a cliff.  This is good.  Great, even.  I’m ready.

So, we’re yoga-ing away and it always comes back to downward dog, which I hate because it hurts and apparently I don’t let my shoulders “go” enough and I’m doing it wrong.  Where are my shoulders supposed to “go”?  How can I make them “go” anywhere?  Well, Teach-dude made them go somewhere and, oh, yeah, okay.  FEELING IT NOW. 

I’m trying to feel calm and enlightened but it’s hard.  It’s hard to find inner peace.

Am I finding inner peace pretzeling my stiff body into position after position?  Uh, no.

Am I finding inner peace as Teach-dude tells me “relax your face and become a good yoga person”?  Uh, no.  And, quite frankly, I think this is very anti-yoga.  What's wrong with me face?

I won't be deterred - onwards I go.  Warrior, Tree, Eagle, blah, blah, blah.  It was neverending.  Relentless. The end of class is in sight and we lie on the floor for 15 minutes and chill out.  I’m not sure where Teach-dude told me to put my tongue in relation to the roof of my mouth, but I don’t care.  I’m lying on the floor and pretty quickly there is nothing in my brain.  I know this may not sound like anything new, but it is.  My brain is typically working overdrive thinking of a zillion things I have no control over and a million things I do have control over.  It’s exhausting.   I’m exhausted.  But not for that 15 minutes.  There’s nothing going on upstairs and I actually feel relaxed.  Maybe not inner peace relaxed, but sort of getting there.  If I tried to do this at any other time I would feel completely guilty and unproductive and wasteful of my time but in that 15 minutes I have nowhere else to be.  Nothing else to do.  Nothing on my mind.

So I see how this works now:  I have to suffer through pain and agony for an hour so I can enjoy 15 minutes of bliss.   Obviously, not fair.  Why do we have to work so hard to get to where we want to be?  Nothing’s easy is it, so why should yoga be any different?  Fine. I’ll be back next week.  I’ll work on my downward dog and my face and Teach-dude can pretzel me a little more and it’ll all be okay.  Especially that last 15 minutes.