For Reals

This is an actual book:

Knits Men Want

The 10 rules every woman should know before knitting for a man: plus, the only 10 patterns she'll ever need.

And this is the summary:

"For as long as women have been knitting, they’ve been knitting garments for men only to have men hide their lovingly created pieces in drawers and closets.  Men aren’t being intentionally cruel; they’re just not comfortable in knitwear made with bright colors, itchy yarn, or flashy designs. In this book, the author presents ten hilarious essays, each based on a rule that helps women knit for men successfully."--Amazon.

This actual book was published for the first time in 2010.  Yes, exactly right – last year.

I really, really wish knitting was a euphemism for something – anything, absolutely anything – else, but, alas no, knitting is just knitting.  Hilarious essays?  I bet.

Dear Men:  really?  You “want” knitting?  I thought all you wanted was snacks & sex*.   How completely illuminating.  And, somewhat retarded.  But as one of you (a man) did write this book, it must be true!

Now doesn’t this explain everything? Most especially the state of the publishing industry.  And the reason why we must keep the word “retarded” in circulation.  I mean, is anything more retarded than a book about men wanting knitting?  No, no there isn’t.  I think I might just take some knitting needles, eschew the “only 10 patterns I’ll ever need” and poke my fucking eyes out with them.  Yes, yes I think that’s the only reasonable thing to do with knitting needles.  Save me, blindness, from this retarded crap!

So, supercute imaginary boyfriend (or similar), I’ll tell you now that while I know you would look even supercuter than the fellas in the book with a handmade reversible scarf, I will never, ever be able to give you what you want.  Best you know this now.  God forbid you’re disappointed in my lack of traditional craftiness.  Or worse, cold, without a non-itchy non-flashy sweater.  I know your Laura Ingalls awaits you and trust you will be happy and warm and cuddly together, knitting one and purling two.  As for you, Bruce Weinstein, I'm not only outraged you're a published author, but shocked you've actually sold copies of this book.  But, then again, I suppose this means you can get anything published these days.  How about this: 

Weapons For Women

The Evolution of the Knitting Needle

I can really see this taking off.  For Reals.

*Thanks, SF - very helpful as usual.