Losing Your Shit

I was on the subway the other day and a young girl (maybe 18, likely 13 - kids look so old these days!) was crying her eyes out. She wasn't reading, but had an iPod on and she was just crying. The subway was pretty empty so not many people noticed her and those that did (me included) ignored her and imagined what was up. What was making this girl lose her shit on the subway? Initially I thought she must be crazy - who would allow themselves to be so unbridled with emotion so publicly? Who was this crazy nutjob?

But then - full / stop / halt. A memory came into my mind so clearly it was actually pretty jarring.

That girl was me about 5 years ago. I was on the GO Train, heading up to The Hill and was talking to my mom about, well, you know what. Things were grim and I lost it. I lost my shit on the GO Train with a bunch of strangers who I see everyday likely wondering what was up with me. I do remember pulling myself together enough to go into the stinky washroom. I also recall a knock on the door and someone telling me they'd left my purse with the conductor, but I don't remember much else – I have no idea how I got home or  anything else of that night aside from my total meltdown on that train.

For someone usually wound up pretty tight, it's not surprising that I blocked this entire episode from my memory.  It was beyond embarrassing.  While the underlying reasons for the meltdown were incredibly painful and very sad, in my mind, at that time, it was simply no excuse for subjecting these people to the rawness of what I was feeling in that moment.  But you can’t control these things.  You can try all you like to keep the lid on but somehow, someway, things are going to blow – you’re going to lose your shit.  Hopefully this will happen in a safer haven than a GO Train or the subway.  Ideally, you’ll be around someone who knows what to do when this happens and not someone  who makes you feel like a Grade A Overemotional Wimpy Chic, or someone that just wants you to stop no matter what, or all the other not so helpful things people are prone to do in this uncomfortable situation because they focus too much on them being uncomfortable and not making you feel comfortable.  People that don’t freak when you lose your shit are the best people in the world – find these people and hold onto them tight.  I mean it.    

Ultimately, though, it’s about being confident enough in yourself to know that it is simply fine and more than normal to lose your shit – it doesn’t mean you’re weak or incapable of handling the tough stuff.  It just means that sometimes this tough stuff is just too much – even for super strong you! - and the only constructive thing to do is let out all the emotion you’ve got.  This is a hard little lesson to learn.  I hope the girl on the subway figured it out.  I’m really glad I (finally) did.