We see most of the people in our lives as how they relate to us – your friend is your friend, brother your brother, mom your mom, and so on down the line. These people, though, are also other things to other people, completely unrelated to what they are to you. It seems obvious, of course, but it’s not really one of those things you think about. I was struck by this a number of years ago, people relating to someone very dear to me in ways that for whatever reason hadn’t truly occurred to me before - My Dad was my Dad, The End (to me). But he was also someone’s boss, best friend, husband, brother, mentor. The layers of these relationships made him who he was, completely independent of being My Dad, but to me, just always My Dad.
I’m trying to look at the important people in my life a bit differently now. Well, maybe not differently, but more whole. To see their other selves independent of what their relationship is to me.
Today is my brother’s birthday. Sunday is Father’s Day. My brother isn’t just my pesky little brother, he’s also a Dad.
To be fair, there’s nothing really little (or pesky) about my younger brother. He’s a towering 6’4” with a gregarious personality to match. It is a rare day if you hear anyone say anything remotely negative about him – he’s just one of those guys. Perfectly easy going and jovial most of the time, beyond stubborn and annoyingly forgetful some of the time (in my opinion). Growing up with someone universally loved like this was somewhat annoying as I’m often prickly and sometimes moody, but I found my own way being somewhat smart and responsible and all the things he was sort of good at but not really all that great at. I thought I figured us out in high school - classifying him as getting the looks in the family while I got the brains. Then he whipped my ass in a game of Trivial Pursuit and I had to rethink my whole life. He’s just one of those guys. I really feel that the relationship you have with your siblings is the one of the truest you can have with anyone: not only do they see you at your ultimate best and complete worst without chance of escape, but only they know what it was like growing up in your particular house with your particular parents. Our relationship is ‘quintessential sibling’ – we annoy each other, make each other laugh, have each other’s backs, argue, and sometimes talk with just looking at each other. So that’s my brother as my brother. Pretty great. My brother as a Dad? Even greater.
My nephews (age 5) are at the age now where they are completely obsessed with him. It is the cutest thing: they follow him everywhere and can’t be pried away from his aura with the promise of anything. My niece (just about 7), of course, has him wrapped around her little finger but this is what girls are supposed to do with their Dads. It’ll only get worse / better, I know that for sure. He plays with them, of course, and disciplines them and talks to them and guides them and watches over them and basically lives for them. Taking this to the next level, my brother becomes master ringleader at all our huge family functions. The kids range in age from 14 to 3 and in their eyes my brother is a magical wizard - they are mesmerized by him! He’s so tall they literally look up to him and he’s so expressive and completely full of fun. It is amazing to watch. He’s good at it because he loves it and it shows in spades - he loves kids and loves being a Dad. I wondered for a fleeting moment how this happened. How did my somewhat annoyingly perfect brother become this amazing Dad?
Of course I know. And of course it kills me that the person somewhat responsible for making my brother the Dad he is isn’t here to see it – to be parent proud at one of his greatest life accomplishments and experience the true joys of life through generations growing together. It’s okay. It’s how life goes, I guess. I suppose we must just consider ourselves fortunate that within my brother is the spirit of the man that helped shape him into the wonderful Dad he is today. In some ways, Father’s Day is somewhat easier for me to deal with when I think of it like that. Somewhat.
Happy Birthday, Brother. Happy Father’s Day, Dad.
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