Mr Mayor

Mayor Tom Ford.

Don’t even try to tell me you haven’t done this.  With apologies to all Toms and Robs,  the names are totally interchangeable:  Tom Rob; Rob Tom; TomRob; Robtom; Romtob.

And honestly, who wouldn’t want Mayor Tom Ford?  Can you imagine?

Sexy beast Tom Ford, staring in from those smoking Grey Vetiver cologne ads (because no mere mortal could possibly emulate what it is like to smell like Tom Ford than Tom Ford), making me feel hotly uncomfortable and bedroomy. I know, I KNOW.  Completely and utterly not my type - I mean, he’s just so obvious about it - but I'm sure half the straight men out there, equally awed and hotly bothered by Tom, will tell you the same thing (but likely not out loud). Omnisexual, that’s our Tom Ford.  Those lascivious eyes just draw you in and I really can’t explain it.  I can’t find my words.  All I know is, well, Hello Mr Mayor.

We know he'd have half the city killed for style infractions (I can only hope I'd be spared based on a sole pair of Louboutins, two designer handbags and hair that ‘moves’) and force us to return to formalities of yesteryear.  You see, Tom Ford wishes to be known as Mr Ford now. Only sexy beasts can get away with this.  Mr.Ford can.  At your service,  Mr Mayor Tom Ford!

That Bloor Street Beautification Project would not have taken a near-decade to complete and you’d be damn sure we’d have ended up with more than wider sidewalks and luscious planters.  Mr Mayor Tom Ford would have only guaranteed luscious.  Bike lanes?  Perhaps, but only with regulatory fashion forward headgear and baskets carrying high end groceries, me thinks.  Living in the city would be high styles, fashions and beautiful people all the time. Like your perfect version of Hollywood Glamour Los Angeles without the freeway traffic and Chateau Marmont.  Fine, perhaps a bit homogenous, but honestly, I’d forego some grit and diversity for a law against exposing your feet before your first pedicure of the season! 

The next Toronto Mayoral Election is set for 2014.  By then the Gravy Train will have stopped at all applicable stations and we’ll be ready for something a little more cosmopolitan, a bit sultry, and, well, kinda hot. I’m all for a write in vote, but we have much work to do. You know he can re-invent us just like he re-invented Gucci – exciting times these will be!  Do what you can, people, do what you can! You want Toronto on the map? Fuck the Olympics!  We need Mr Mayor Tom Ford!