Just Amputate

Okay, seriously.  Can someone please amputate my toe? 

This stupid toe (baby, right foot) is impeding me from enjoying summer in the ways girls like to enjoy summer:  through their shoes.  All my shoes hurt.  My toe hurts.  It’s now bandaged and medicated.  I mean, honestly – a freakin’ toe?

To give you some backstory, I didn’t do anything to this toe to make it hurt, for it to make my life so painful, for it to make my shoes so lonely, unloved and unwearable.  I didn’t bump into anything.  It wasn’t run over.  Nothing fell on it.  I just tried to love my feet, and by extension my toes, by wearing some really really nice shoes.  Now these really, really nice shoes have turned on me, well, my toe specifically and I’m in a motherlode of pain.  My toe is bandaged and medicated and I’m mainly wearing flats.  FLATS!   This is not ideal workaday footwear for me.  AT ALL!

It’s all my fault, I know.  My mother is convinced I’m going to be in a wheelchair by age 50 with the shoes I wear, but come on!  If we don’t have shoes, what do we have?!  Nothing!  We have nothing!  I currently have 18 pair (holy shit) under my desk and I cannot tell you how many more at home.  I don’t think this is unreasonable.  Okay, FINE, maybe I have a slight problem but as I’m admitting it, it’s no longer a problem.  Problems are only problems when we keep them secret.  Like drug addiction or philandering.  But, let’s focus: the problem is not my shoes, it’s my toe.  If I didn’t have this toe all my shoes would fit perfectly and I would not be bandaged  at this very moment.  I would not be worried about seeing my Mom and have her look all disappointed at me and my bandaged toe (yes, I know I am 40 and should be over the look of Mom-disappointment but I’m not because she’s just so damn good at it) as she tells me that I’m going to be in a wheelchair by the age of 50 if I don’t stop killing myself in my "crazy" shoes.  I could lie to her, but she knows.  She always knows. 

So to solve all these problems I just need to get rid of this toe.  I’m certain I wouldn’t even miss it.  My feet are as wide as shovels, I don’t need the toe for balance.  What else could you possibly need a baby toe for?  It’s useless!  Like wisdom teeth! We’ve evolved!  I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to get this done, but I’m working on it.    

Off with the toe!