I received a book at a management course I went to years ago called “Difficult Conversations”. It’s basically about opening dialogue with employees on tough issues – lack of performance, attitude problems, stealing, what have you. To me, these conversations aren’t that hard: we all have a job to do so if there’s a gap, let’s eliminate it. Admittedly, I work in an industry that isn’t incredibly touchy feely: lots of guys and most of them are classic Type As. While they don’t necessarily appreciate ‘being told’, they are, for the most part direct and action oriented and they want direct and action oriented: what’s the problem; how do I fix it; let’s drive on. There are no feelings or deep thoughts and emotions. No one takes anything personally. It’s all pretty refreshing. And so easy. Lucky me.
Unfortunately, the ease at which I have these conversations at work is in direct opposition to how I have them in my real life. I can’t. I don’t. I’m not sure if it’s because I simply don’t want to potentially hurt the other person’s feelings, or if I’m afraid they’re going to hurt mine. I avoid and stew and talk to all sorts of other people about the problem, but never ever to the actual person. These problems aren’t life altering by any means – although come to think of it, maybe that would be easier: dealing with the supposed pal who slept with my boyfriend seems like a pretty easy chat to me – but they get to the core of my personal value system. I don’t like how I’m being treated (or not treated), talked to (or not talked to) or regarded (or not regarded). Ouch. Potential for a huge insides ouch. The worst kind of ouch.
So, what do I do? Do I alter my own expectations and just simply take what’s being given? This could work, if it were possible. Downgrading my own expectations has the potential to boil my world down to mediocre, shifting relationships. I don’t like that. I don’t want that. I want to get what I give.
As I see it, there are two options: distance myself from these people (EASY!) or, deal with it head on (HARD!). I know what I want to do, I know what I should do and I think the only thing holding me back from doing the HARD SHOULD DO thing is a fear that once I have voiced my issue, it will be met with cold silence, ambivalence or, worse yet, indignation. That the thing bothering me is dumb or needy or wacked or silly or a bunch of other things that aren’t good. That this thing has exposed something about me that doesn’t quite jive, that I’m too much work and not all that much fun. That I’m a major downer. The end result of this conversation could very well be that the person I’m talking to may turn their back on me. And this scares me too.
I guess the first person I should be having this ‘difficult conversation’ with is myself, and not in some ‘self-empowerment let’s go rub some crystals together and be one in the universe’s light’ kind of way. But in a way that convinces me that I do deserve to be treated / talked to / regarded just as I treat / talk / regard others. Coupled with that, of course, is for me to realize that I should probably throw some credit to who I’m having this hard talk with. They’ll get it, how can’t they? They’ll understand, won’t they? They’ll care, right? Sometimes, maybe, people don’t know things unless you tell them. What I do know is there is really only one way to find all this out.
This seems so easy. I wish it was that easy. But I guess that dumb book is called ‘Difficult Conversations’ for a reason.
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