And The Winner Is ...

ME. 

(I do prefer "And The Winner is .." over the uber polite “And the Oscar goes to …” don't you?).

ME!

Look, when you spend as much time as I do going to movies, talking about movies and loving movies, it would actually be sad if I didn’t win at least one Oscar pool.  Seeing as how this is actually the first year I’ve won a pool (and not that anyone’s counting, but I won two), it’s nice to see my efforts have finally paid off.  I feel like an Olympian – all those years of training and now, I can declare myself:

Winner of the Cat Cunningham Guess the Oscar Winners Pool!

WOW! This is such an honour!  I’m … speechless!  Holy F@ck!  Oh no!  GEEZ, Did I really ?!  Hope that was time delayed! Am I really here?!  Is this really happening? I love you all!  This is so amazing!  Okay, let me try to get it together – thank you … everyone!  It’s just so amazing to be in the company of such devoted movie goers, so of course thank you and congratulations to my fellow participants.  While there can only be one winner – and, that’s me! – you all deserve jumpy claps for trying!   I didn’t get here alone, well, it was my brain and my decisions, but still, I guess that I need to thank a few people so, tonight, I share my ‘suitable for framing’ certificate with Julie, Suzanne, Cres and Jess – the bestest movie dates a girl could ask for.  It’s been an amazing year, so get out your scissors, ladies, scraps of this are yours too!  And to all you kids out there with a dream – dream big kids!  Dream big – this could be yours one day too! Thank you, everyone, THANK YOU!

And now, a word on speeches

The Oscar telecast is a full on time commitment.  It’s a long show (even longer when it sucks, but more on that later) and most attempts to tighten things up and keep things moving have failed (remember that brilliant “we’ll bring the Oscar to you” trick?).  I recall one year producers thought they’d get firm with the length of acceptance speeches, starting the music after a speed talking course necessary 30 seconds or something.  Not a bad idea, but when everyone talks over the music (Dear Julia Roberts, The person leading an orchestra is called a “conductor” not a “Stick Man”) what’s the point?  It’s time to get tough and the only way to really do this is to consolidate the speeches. Hear me out!  Most winners thank the same old people, and we don’t need to hear it said in a different voice 24 + times! We’ll start the telecast with a huge Disclaimer Thank You, that simply lists all the obvious thank yous and winners will then be able to freestyle on their own. 

The Disclaimer would thank: Mom;Dad;Kids(no need to name them, they should know who they are and if not, this isn’t the time to tell);Agent;Lawyer;PersonalAssistant;High School Drama Teacher;Everyone At The Studio Who Released Picture Winner Is Accepting For;Voice Coach; Driver;Craft Services; Entire Cast of Picture Winner Is Accepting For;Fellow Nominees. If Applicable: Grandparents;Siblings;Producer(s)/Director/Writer of Picture Winner Is Accepting For.

We can really make this list as long as we wish and it will be read at the start of the telecast by James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman and then we’ll get on with the show.  So efficient. 

Now if only know we could find a way to ensure that awards were only granted to those who could actually honour the moment with a decent acceptance speech I’d be truly happy.  Look, I get it’s hard  to find the perfect balance between coherent bewilderment and rehearsed stiffness but is it really that hard?  Aren’t you actors?  ACT like you’re confident and poised and gracious and surprised and humbled – it can be done (kindly review all acceptance speeches given by stage actors)!  Lost Without A Script – A Horrifying Tale of An Actor’s Search for Words.  Someone make that movie. 

And now, a word on the show

Just one.  Just one word on the show:  CRAP.  I really don’t want to talk about it.  As a devoted movie goer and pop culture junkie the Oscars are IT for me.  My IT failed me huge last night.  What were Anne & James doing at “rehearsal”?  I have more banter with Jerry the shoeshine guy!  Where was the singing?  Where was the dancing?  Bring back Rob Lowe & Snow White if you must – the Oscars are not the Oscars without a song & dance number (Anne's does not count)!   Honestly.  I can’t continue. It was a piss poor way to celebrate a really amazing year in film. Thankfully, I rarely Oscar without a party and the company & Indian Food last night spiced things up considerably – So, I thank (not “like to” or “want to” thank but actually thank thank!) my guests last evening for providing much needed show banter and all around good times.  Next year, we will hopefully have a bit more to work with.  Okay, that’s way more than one word and way more than the show last night deserved – I now declare the commentary on the 83^rd Annual Academy Awards Officially Closed.

‘Till next year …