Emotional Wreck

We spend time thinking about why we do things, but not much time thinking about why we don’t do things.  This little curiosity was turned on its ear the other day. Where?  Improv class of course! 

We’re doing emotion work now.  I’m really not a fan. Not because I feel fake conjuring up emotions at the blink of an eye – we’re pretending after all, but because it’s hard and really exhausting.  Mostly, though, it’s because there will be a day when I’m called upon to drum up an emotion I’m uncomfortable with and always avoid in real life.  Teach said so.  He’s watching to see what we haven’t done.  Teach is annoying.

We spend our whole lives making ourselves who we are, or, rather, the person we want others to see and this impenetrable person isn’t you all the time.  I’m not saying we’re really two people or a world class fakes, it’s just that sometimes you hide your real you in certain situations, around certain people, because you are uncomfortable exposing this Achilles Heel of emotions for fear of judgement, repercussion or shock. You suppress a little bit for the public eye and, in your own time, on your own terms, you expose the real you.   I don’t think this is altogether peculiar and I’m certain everyone does it.  It’s hard to come to terms with, and most absolutely let people see, that you are not strong, you are weak; you are not confident, you are unsure or whatever emotion you protect from real life exposure because you don’t want it part of your impenetrable you.  This reality, for me, anyway, is going to get some action soon and I’m petrified.  I don’t want this side of me exposed, few people see it.  I don’t like me like that.  But, perhaps, the best place to bring it to light is in a room of pseudo – strangers in a forum of make believe.  Maybe then it’ll be easier to let my guard down and, while not turning into a massive sap, help me be more honest with who I am on the inside, sometimes, and on the outside, most of the time.

Honestly, IMPROV!  If knew you were going to be such a mindfuck I would have just gone to therapy.