Ever been so totally and utterly out of your element your only option - as there's no chance of escape - was to dive right in ?
A number of years ago I had an entire out of my element weekend (no, I wasn't camping - shut up) and as the after effects are still with me, I can tell you that being out of your element is good. Very, very good.
Backstory
My sister in law's a bit kookie. Well, to me anyway. I'm black and white, she's grey. I'm organized and planned, she flies by the seat of her pants. Little things bother me way more than they should, most big things don't stress her a bit. I love all the ways she's not like me. A further point of difference is she just believes things, I need to understand them. The only things I can accept without explanation of 'how' is most forms of technology and The Evil Eye (it's a Greek thing). Wow. Just writing that officially qualifies me as an 80 year old person. I will need to delve into that at some point, but for now, back to my weekend. My sister in law (SIL) has a huge family and the girls of the family had planned to head up to one of their cottages for a spiritual retreat kind of weekend. Yes, I know. Me and a spiritual retreat ? I mean, Why ? I don’t even like yoga because it’s too earth-crunchy for me. But really, come on, why not ? At most I'd be spiritually awakened, at worst a weekend at the cottage. I am incredibly sceptical, but okay – I will give it a whirl ! I'm a yes person, remember ?! Spiritual Retreat Here I Come !
The Sweat Lodge
Step One on my quest for spiritual enlightenment was the Sweat Lodge. So, a Sweat Lodge is very hot. Let's call it a ceremonial sauna, in a tent. A hole is dug in the ground and super hot rocks (heated in a fire outside the tent) are brought into the tent and placed in the hole and you sit around the hole and get really hot and sweaty. You go around the circle and talk about what brought you to the purifying ceremony and what you want to get out of it in a higher learning kind of way. All the while, you’re getting really hot and really sweaty. Basically, a Sweat Lodge is the spiritual world's version of Vegas because what goes on in Sweat Lodge stays in Sweat Lodge and I respect that, so I can only tell you that once it was all over I was crying like a baby, I mean, it was crazy. I think that perhaps heat and sweat have an effect on tear ducts because it was full on sob material for everyone. So, lots of tears and tons of hot and sweaty. I think it was rather cathartic and also great for my skin. Sweat Lodge ! Okay, not a bad start to this weekend of wonder.
Animal Totems
Next up, we must determine our animal totems. The weekend was based on the spiritual principles of Native Americans, and their tradition provides that people are connected to a totem animal that is with you for life, both in the physical and spiritual world. Though people may identify with different animal guides throughout their lifetimes, it is this one totem animal that acts as the main guardian spirit.
To be honest, I cannot remember how we figured out our totems but I know we did and I came up with two because it was close. Freak. Even in the spiritual world.
I’m a bit excited about this. After getting my good cry on at Sweat Lodge, I’m thinking EAGLE, HORSE, SWAN. How misguided I am. I get bee and penguin. Seriously, how pissed was I. Out of all the animals in the world, I get a bird that can't fly and an annoying bug you run away from. Thanks totem!
Upon closer inspection, though, I was not only the freak of the spiritual world. I was freaked out with the spiritual world.
Aside from the annoying buzzing and potential stinging of a bee, what do you think of when you think of a bee? Busy. Busy as a bee. They buzz from one flower to the next, looking and searching, they get into this and into that and buzz and hover and fly around some more. What do I do? I get into this, I get into that. I plan this, I plan that. I’m freaking busy. I’m sure it’s possible for bees to just hang, but they can’t because they need to buzz and fly and look for that pollen. I’m sure it’s possible for me to just hang too, but that seems boring. I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for (ah, if only it was as easy as pollen!) but maybe that’s why I’m buzzing to find my pollen. Freakin’ bee.
And now, the penguin. I was told to lose the lame-ass notion of penguin as “bird that can’t fly” and focus on the look of the bird. Penguins are dressed in a perpetual tuxedo, they look perfect without even trying. People with penguin totems need things to be perfect all the time – messes, whether physical or emotional, are not for them – and sometimes the appearance of perfection is chosen over the actuality of mess or conflict. I like things clean, but sometimes throw things in a closet when company’s coming over. I always answer “great!” or “fine!” when someone asks how I am because I figure who cares otherwise and I absolutely have a hard time talking about gross feelings when they’re not all that pleasant. I’m not entirely sure if having a penguin totem actually means you prefer living on the surface of things or if you are actually a superficial person and I didn’t want to ask. Did I just answer my own question? Fuckin’ penguin.
The Rock
So now I am positively freaked out. I’ve cried like I haven’t in years and have been called out by two of the most benign animals going. After a feast of Italian yumminess and a very restful night sleep, we’re back at it for Day Two. Off we go into the forest to find a rock. We can’t really look for the rock, it needs to find us. I don’t really understand this, aren’t we looking for rocks? But, after I trip over a rock I figure my rock as has indeed found me. Once inside, we need to look at the rock and see what it’s telling us. Apparently, the lines on the rock tell a story about us and our lives and where we’ve been and where we’re going. I stare. I stare at the lines. I stare at the lines and come up with nothing. After a few minutes, the room starts to pipe up with tales out of Narnia – magical horses and paths that lead to a mystical place. One of the girls simply saw herself sitting on a beach. Everyone laughed. Hello?! I’d kill for that. I see nothing. I see lines. I’m getting frustrated (surprisingly, neither the bee nor penguin are easily frustrated creatures) and beginning to feel like a big spiritual retreat failure. I think the whole point of being at a spiritual retreat is NOT to get frustrated and annoyed, but, as they say, you can take a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. I’m trying! D, SILs sister, who is our leader and all things spiritual and calm, sees this. She’s a really remarkable woman – the type of person who can simply look at you and all of a sudden you feel okay and calm - the epitome of serene. I want her to move in with me. Anyway, she sees me mildly panicked and freaked out and comes over to me and simply says “sometimes, there’s nothing there and that’s fine too”. Oh, good god – THANK YOU! I feel calmed and relieved and not a total failure. Now, maybe she just said that to make me feel better but she’s the leader and she’s allowed. I’m totally fine with that.
Everafter
It’s been almost 6 years since my out of element spiritual retreat weekend. Lots has happened on the good and bad side of me since then. I can’t truly say the weekend helped me deal with any of it better, but it did make me acknowledge that for all my structure, predictability, organization and hyperbusiness, I, too, can look at the world wide open. I haven’t completely forged ahead with a life of awakening and totems and rock drawings, but I can just “hang” a bit better. I can “not plan”, sort of. It is possible to let go of all control and direction. Most important, though, I now know I can totally shut off my scepticism and need to know and just believe in something totally outside of me, if only for a short while. I think this is pretty good. Actually, I think it’s pretty damn great.
Dive In. Say Yes.
There is nothing to lose but your own preconceived notions.
Give It A Whirl.
No comments:
Post a Comment