Welcome to Friday, I’m in Love! This Friday series will share my tales, both funny and absurd, but mostly funny, from my real life as a crummy dater. Or, maybe just my crummy dates. Either way, these cautionary tales are public service announcements for the heart weary and hopeful – read wisely, carefully. These “types of dates” are rare breeds indeed, so, please, fellas, don’t be insulted – and also don’t be one of these guys. Ladies: interesting times, yes. On the bright side, I've already spent time with these quirky cats so you don’t have to and you’re welcome.
Volume Four – Mr Asshole
I take partial responsibility for my nightmarish evening with Mr Asshole. I was late – 15 minutes late. Not a huge deal, but I hate being late (which is surprising considering how often I am late) and being late as a first impression isn’t exactly the best. So, Advantage Mr Asshole.
After my tardiness was dealt with accordingly (profuse apologies by me, scant nod by him), we dug in – you know the drill. But this time, it was different. I soon started to feel like I was on some PUNK’d Date Game Show – dude was on the attack and I was ducking for cover.
HE : What do you do? ME: I work in financial services. HE: How do you that? It’s like you’re stealing money from people for a living. ME: Internal WTF.
HE: Do you have a big family? ME: Just big enough - we’re in and out of each other’s homes and are pretty close, you? HE: I don’t talk to my family. We don’t see eye to eye. ME: Internal WTF.
Nothing flowed, it was argumentative. Look, I can giv’r with the best of them but you need a little push / pull – this was all push and it was exhausting. This guy hated everything: girls that wore heels were silly because they couldn’t run from danger (this got an external WTF – like, if someone is chasing me I think I can ditch my shoes and bolt, dude. Also, stilettos are a good weapon). Girls that wore make up were trashy. He made fun of the people sitting next to us because they ordered an appetizer to share. He derided my chosen profession to no end – I was obviously superficial and money hungry – he was a teacher, of course.
I know you think it couldn’t get any get worse, but you know it did.
HE: So, how old are you? ME: 39 (at the time). HE: Really? You want kids? ME: Well, wow, that’s a bold intro question, no? HE: I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t know but you better get going on that if you do. ME: External gulp. Internal WTF. External eye bulge and eyebrow raise.
You wonder why I stayed there. I know, I do too. I think I was so shocked into paralysis by his continual stoning that I couldn’t muster any type of jam to give back. I took it all in like I was in a one- way silent movie. It’s not that this guy made me feel bad about myself – he totally didn’t - he didn’t know me and was way too angry to form any real opinion outside of my job, shoes, lipgloss and womb. He made me feel like I had to somehow defend myself against a lifetime of wacked opinions and skewed points of view. What kind of person does this to you within 5 minutes of laying eyes on you?
You know who … come on … you got it … that’s right: an asshole.
Yikes. That sounds like a very harsh date, my dear. Sorry that you had to go through that kind of hostility...
ReplyDeleteTeacher, of course??????
ReplyDeleteYes, I realize that doesn't sound very nice. But neither is leaving an anonymous comment. In any event, I should have mentioned that he went on and on about how he turned his back on many career opportunities, with a PHd in Physics, to be teacher and educate our youth. I'm PRO TEACHER. Just anti this teacher.
ReplyDelete