Friday, I'm In Love ! Volume Two - The Fake Vegan

Welcome to Friday, I’m in Love!  This Friday series will share my tales, both funny and absurd, but mostly funny, from my real life as a crummy dater.  Or, maybe just my crummy dates.  Either way, these cautionary tales are public service announcements for the heart weary and hopeful – read wisely, carefully.  These “types of dates” are rare breeds indeed, so, please, fellas, don’t be insulted – and also don’t be one of these guys.   Ladies:  interesting times, yes.  On the bright side, I've already spent time with these quirky cats so you don’t have to and you’re welcome.   

Volume Two - The Fake Vegan

This was likely doomed from the start. I mean, who was I kidding with this one?  A vegan?  I’m Greek!  I love my meat!  I love ice cream! And cheese! I often think the world would be a much better place if we only ate cheese, ice cream and burgers – so, this Vegan thing is really really outside my box, but it’s bad to have a small box so off I went to enlighten myself.

In truth, the whole notion of veganism, vegetarianism and any type of foodism fascinates me.  Anyone who can be so diligently restrictive with their diet in the name of (perceived) good health gets major kudos in my books.  I have a hard time with even the  mildest restriction because everything I eat tastes so damn good, how can you say no ?!

All in all an okay start.  Chit chat, ha-ha-ha’s, you know how it goes. I was incredibly curious about the day to day food life of a vegan so I had to ask what he ate. “Interesting” fare:  lots of brown rice, vegetables, oatmeal, fruit, tofu, tempeh (have you eaten this?  It’s the culinary world’s answer to smelly socks).  It all sounded rather greybeige boring. I know for sure I could never do this.  Food was obviously just fuel for this guy, and that’s okay, I guess.  I’m not sure if he was trying to convert me but the conversation never ever ventured far from the “veganism rocks” path.  It went on ad nauseam, ad finintum: It cured his mom of rheumatism; it gives him more energy; red meat is the devil; give it a chance and it will stabilize the global economic crisis AND world peace in general.  I mean it was a bit much but, again, passion is passion and he was truly passionate about this lifestyle. 

Time to order and I’m conflicted.  Do I order a meal respectful to my date or do I draw my line in the slaughterhouse and order the lamb chops?  Of course, I do the former – Portobello mushroom salad for me, please.  And then it’s his turn.  And he orders:

THE SALMON.

This is not a joke.  If you know anything about me you know I am rarely able to let things like this slide – so I asked him “Sorry, am I confused about veganism, because that’s fish.”  He responded that it’s very hard for him to stick to the lifestyle in restaurants so that’s when he treats himself with fish or meat. 

So, you’re not a vegan then, are you? Am I actually a vegetarian, but only at breakfast when I don’t eat bacon?

Time for dessert and I literally had to bite my tongue not to ask the waitress for any “meat based cakes”, I can’t believe I missed out on those lamb chops! I order the dairy rich gelato, he, after sending our waitress back to the kitchen to verify that his own order of gelato was not dairy based orders his own.  Both come to the table – along with TWO cappuccinos, both of which were not for me – and he digs into my gelato before I get my spoon in.  Of course he did.

So, no, dear date - you’re not a vegan.  You’re a fake vegan.  Moreover, you’re the worst kind of everything – you’re a poser.

Look, I’m trying not to judge but this is all sorts of wrong to me on so many levels.  I can rationalize pretty much anything.  Anything, but this, seriously?  How? Come on!  Don’t espouse a lifestyle so fervently and poo-poo mine when you revert back at the first sign of trouble.  Yes, I agree, being a vegan is one hell of a commitment – but you’re not making any sort of commitment if you don’t commit are you? This is hyprocritical and self righteous and easy way out to the max. At least play your food charade game for the duration of our date and grab some street meat on the way home – no would be the wiser (except your conscious!).

You know it’s not the food thing, right? I know so many people who are REAL vegetarians and others with some pretty quirky food hang ups and while this is completely opposed to my food view as I eat it all (even my lifelong hate on for Brussel Sprouts is now over because I learned to make them with bacon.  Shut it.) it’s never an issue.  Why should it be?  No one gets holier than though about not eating this or that, not one person is better or more pure - we all just enjoy what we enjoy in non-preachy yummy-ness.  The Fake Vegan, though, is about sucking and blowing at the same time and while you can take this in small bits from some people you’re not going to take it in big bits from most people, especially ones that suck and blow with an air of self righteousness that should be saved for saints & martyrs.

So, good luck to you, Fake Vegan – enjoy your life of lentils and lamb chops.  I know you eat them both, and not just when no one is looking.